McDondalds to replace Atos in new deal for spongers says Duncan Smith

Funny story written by LordJimmy

Friday, 8 June 2012

image for McDondalds to replace Atos in new deal for spongers says Duncan Smith
David Cameron

In yet another dramatic climb-down for the government, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith announced today that ATOS will no longer be carrying out medical assessments on the sick and disabled, ending the government's controversial contract with the quack medical company.

Atos Healthcare, a division of Atos, a corporate terror organisation, has held the lucrative contract to perform medicals on claimants of disability benefits including, E.S.A, Disability Living Allowance and Incapacity Benefit since 1998. Since the Coalition government came to power in 2010, they have played an instrumental role in the Con Dem's policy of ruthless benefit cuts despite frequent accusations by doctors and disabled charities of degrading and inhumane treatment of the elderly, sick and vulnerable.

Just last month The British Medical Association Local Medical Committee Conference which represents GPs voted unanimously to end the infamous Work Capability Assessment with immediate effect - deeming it "An inadequate computer based assessment that has little regard to the nature or complexity of the needs of long term sick and disabled persons".

Scottish GPs also called for an end to the sham medical tests which have driven millions into ill health, poverty, starvation, crime, alcoholism, drug addiction, self harming, homelessness, prostitution, suicide and worse.

Today in the commons, Mr Duncan Smith strenuously denied that his much trumpeted benefit reforms were unworkable - vowing that any weaknesses in the system would be addressed in his latest report "The War on Disability: A New Deal for Scroungers and Layabouts" which was hastily cobbled together on the back of a beer mat in The Whitehall Arms public house last night and is expected to be released later this week.

"Regardless of any faults in the existing system, it is still an established fact that 150 per cent of all cripples are no more than idle shirkers and ne'er do wells fiddling the benefits system to pay for Woodbines, Brown Ale and dog racing - and this cannot be allowed to continue. What is required is a system that rewards those who do the decent thing and get better - or at least have the decency to die, while punishing those who insist on wallowing in such trivial and piffling ailments as rickets, smallpox and T.B"

Mr Duncan Smith's defiant words provoked a furious response from Disabled Charities and advocates of civil liberties. Abu Hamza, an expert on human rights, stormed "This is the 21st century and I can't believe that the Secretary of State for the DWP is advocating forcing millions of vulnerable disabled people into a pointless search for jobs which simply do not exist. Death to the west!"

In response, a spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions issued a statement saying "While it may seem cruel and oppressive to herd the disabled into a life on the dole - there really is no alternative as Mr Duncan Smith's suggestion to open Labour Camps to keep Invalids occupied was decided against on the grounds that "It was unpopular with the German electorate when a similar scheme was operated there".

Mr Abu Hamza, who is employed as a Muslim cleric and war lord despite having a hook for a hand hit back by saying "I shall await the DWP's report with interest, but I warn the Secretary of State that if there is not a fairer deal for the disabled - I shall bomb the f!*k out of London until it is a mere wasteland where only the cockroaches survive, for it is Allah's will".

However, details of the new report which were leaked to journalist Syreeta Psychic of our sister paper, The Daily Telepath look set to fan the flames of disabled discontent even further amidst rumours that the contract for performing DWP medicals may now be out-sourced to restaurant chain McDonalds.

The findings of the report look set to cite the fast food corporation as the obvious choice as they already have premises with disabled access in most UK towns and cities. It is thought that disabled claimants will be sent to the window of their local McDonalds Drive Thru where a sullen teenager on the minimum wage will ask "Can I take your disabilities please?". The claimants medical conditions will then be input into a computer which will calculate which handouts they are entitled to, if any at all. Those found to have a legitimate claim will then be sent to a collection point where they can collect specially issued DWP vouchers which can only be exchanged for essentials such as bread, milk, clogs, shawls and sacks of coal.

The new contract which will speed up the assessment process is predicted to shave billions off Britain's bulging welfare bill and is thought to be worth as much as £25 billion to the US based hamburger hawkers. The cost will be met by pushing the state pension age up to 107 and bringing children out of schools at the age of eight to work up chimneys. The DWP have also suggested imposing a cap on the number of medical conditions a freeloader will be allowed to claim for

It is thought that the benefits appeals process will also be streamlined in order to prevent costly tribunals which have so far enabled 98 per cent of the sick, lame and lazy to get their ill gotten gains back paid to them when medicals have wrongly found them fit for work. The DWP are expected to propose replacing tribunals by employing well known experts to hold tribunals in public where there will be "Total transparency". It is rumoured that X Factor supremo Simon Cowell and business tycoon Alan Sugar have been invited to serve on these new televised tribunals.

The New Deal has already been hailed by the coalition as "A revolutionary approach to welfare which will transform the lives of paupers and provide real opportunities for the sickly"

At Prime Minister's Questions today, however, veteran left winger Dennis Skinner accused David Cameron of using "Celebrities and pop culture gimmicks to gloss over a brutal and out-dated attitude towards the sick and disabled".

The P.M hit back saying "Everyone knows how popular shows like X Factor and The Apprentice are with the great unwashed. Simon Cowell knows a good performer from someone who is genuinely afflicted, and Lord Sugar is a financial genius who is ideally qualified to find ways of profiteering from the poor. Who does the right honourable gentleman suggest we have on the tribunals? The cast of "Crossroads" or "Dad's Army" perhaps?". "This is the 21st Century and I would respectfully suggest that the right honourable dinosaur sod off back to Jurassic Park!". The Conservative front bench immediately dissolved into raucous laughter thumbing their noses at Mr Skinner, but members of the opposition and disabled charities have already vowed to lobby against the new reforms before the report has even been released.

Multi millionaire Mr Duncan Smith refused to comment today as he left The Commons in a hansom cab pulled by several white horses but doffed his top hat to waiting reporters and disabled activists.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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