GMC Automobile Executives Meet to Discuss Falling Small Car Sales

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Monday, 5 March 2012

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"Green" Automobile

Detroit MI: Government Motors Corporation (GMC) automobile executives met to review the lackluster sales of their new environmentally friendly Shoebox line of cars, prior to next week's annual stockholders meeting.

Present at the closed door working lunch meeting were the CEO Mr. Chrysler, Chief Engineer Mr. Newton, CFO Mr. Fjord and Marketing Manager of Small Car Sales Mr. Edsel.

CEO Mr. Chrysler opened the meeting by reiterating that GMC had agreed to abide by the Obama administration's automobile fuel standards, tailpipe emission regulations and safety requirements in order to receive government loan guarantees. Additionally, the government would subsidize car sales by giving Shoebox buyers cost rebates.

Marketing Manager of Small Car Sales Mr. Edsel indicated that the names Shoebox, Matchbox and Sh*tbox were originally considered. The Chief Engineer preferred Matchbox, but that name was already copy-righted by a toy company. Building the Shoebox line was also supposed to create "green" jobs!

Chief Engineer Mr. Newton postulated that the intended use of an automobile is to transport people and their belongings from place to place in the most practical way possible. The new government regulations driven by being "green" try to maximize fuel economy, minimize emissions and achieve total safety. This is virtually an impossible dream and GMC can only satisfy any two out of three of these government technical mandates!

Steel was replaced with plastics and aluminum to meet the current government imposed requirements. In order to meet the next round of government imposed requirements balsa wood and paper construction materials will be employed to minimize weight.

Design of a solar panel charged electric model was terminated with the bankruptcy of GMC's partner Solyndra Corporation. However, our secret (non-government funded) methanol from natural gas fueled Shoebox-X engine is on track for later models.

Shoebox is a four passenger sub-compact sedan that gets 65 mpg, reduces emissions by half, but failed the Mack Truck crash test and received a government waiver as being marginally safe. A new safety regulation requires GMC to install a rear view TV camera for avoiding Mack Truck encounters.

Marketing Manager of Small Car Sales Mr. Edsel pointed out that a family of four can fit cozily into a single Shoebox vehicle on long trips, but luggage space in the trunk (boot) is limited. A fifth wheel trailer for luggage is a recommended option, but state laws prohibit putting a child or a dog here.

Some Shoebox models are gasoline/hybrid powered, some are all electric powered, but there is a need to make stops every 40 miles with the electric vehicle to charge the batteries. The Shoebox electric model is a great machine if you have small children that need to make potty stops every 40 miles.

Additionally, there is no room in a single Shoebox vehicle for a family of five, luggage and a dog. For long trips a family of five would require owning two Shoebox automobiles with each vehicle carrying a driver, either one or two children, luggage and the dog, thus reducing the effective mileage by 50% and doubling emissions.

CFO Mr. Fjord stated that GMC dealerships had sold only eight cars last month and that Shoebox production has been stopped, meaning loss of "green" jobs, until the current manufactured inventory of cars is sold off. The Manager of Small Car Sales needs to boost sales or the Shoebox production line could be permanently shut down.

CEO Mr. Chrysler forecast that the Shoebox line of cars is another "Cash for Clunkers" program sponsored by GMC and we are selling the clunkers, subsidized by US taxpayers, to US car buyers. Remember the 1980's when imported Japanese cars ate our lunch, but now Japanese cars are manufactured in the USA!

Marketing Manager of Small Car Sales Mr. Edsel responded that automotive consumer research indicates car buyers want larger automobiles and are not concerned with gasoline prices.

CFO Mr. Fjord announced that if the American public wants GMC to build bigger cars, then GMC needs to commence a long production run of SUVs and large sedans selling at a reasonable price per unit. GMC would then recoup its manufacturing costs, yet make a profit per car. If we don't then it's 2008-2009 all over again with government bailouts! GMC can't make cars for $40,000 and sell them for $25,000.

Marketing Manager of Small Car Sales Mr. Edsel closed the meeting by declaring a new sales/marketing strategy had been initiated to try to improve the sagging Shoebox sales figures. These include cultivating new markets for an environmentally friendly lawn mower (optional mower attachment) for large lawns, government fleet sales to Congressman and an armored version for President Obama (declined until after his presidency ends). Magazine and TV commercials are also being aired featuring a naked Kris Kardashian sitting on Shoebox standard leather seats.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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