Oil, Gas Pipeliners Said To Be Shaolin Monks; 'Snatch The Pebble From My Hand A#&Hole'
BOW TO YOUR SENSEI, MARSHALL COUNTY, WV -- A local law enforcement official has confirmed what many have feared about transient oil and gas pipeliners -- they are actually a more aggressive rogue sect of 19th century Shaolin monks who like to initiat...
Read full storyWoman Charged With Stone Ass Dead Drunk DUI Had 100 Percent Blood Alcohol Content
A Marshall County, WV, woman has been charged with DUI-Stone Ass Dead Drunk after she registered a 100 percent blood alcohol content. "That's really well over the BAC limit, about ... well, a whole helluva lot over the limit," said Sheriff Kevin C...
Read full storyTonight There's Been A Jailbreak!
England's prison system (which has long been described as Butlins with bars) has fucked up yet again. Back and to the Left news has never understood the point of having a open prison, isn't that just a hotel that you don't pay for? If we ran a open p...
Read full storySupreme Court Rules to Include Ten Commandments in Federal Jury Instructions
One-upping its recent ruling allowing public prayers before town meetings in Greece, New York, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 to include the Ten Commandments in federal criminal jury instructions. Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote for the majority, "It d...
Read full storySharia-style lapidations for anyone caught fornicating at Sultan of Brunei's Beverly Hills Hotel
Los Angeles - And filthy - uh, fifty! - lashes for sneaking in rough trade into the $10,000-night Presidential Suite, especially from outside Brunei's officially-sanctioned hooker pool. The draconian punishments also apply to what Sultan Hass-Anal...
Read full storyPope To Translate Bible to 140 Characters #blessed
The streets of the Vatican were bustling as White Smoke alerted all the citizens. White Smoke being the official app of the Pope. The sound of Marimba echoing through the streets. "Oh Our God! Is the Pope #RIP?" tweeted @vatikitty12. Sighs of relief...
Read full storyNew Alzheimer's Support I Think It's Chilly In Here
Give me a minute, I'll think of it - A new Alzheimer's support group is set to begin um sometime in uh April maybe or was it Uncle Herbert right after he got back from overseas? You know he never was the same I can't imagine the things he saw over th...
Read full storyWe Are the 0.99%: Rich Protest the Rich/Super-Rich Income Gap
LOS ANGELES-According to a new study from the Brookings Institution, the income gap between the rich and super-rich has reached its largest margin in a century. This revelation has sparked outrage among the (almost) richest people in the country.
Read full storyTybee Island DA Wants To Know Why Mice Get All The Good Medicine - Wants Answers
Tybee Island District Attorney, Tommy Cock, is demanding that the FDA stop giving ground breaking drugs and medical treatment to mice; but instead administer them to humans, in a poorly worded letter, mailed yesterday. The note, filled with grammar errors, typos and spelling mistakes has been passed to this news agency; below is the transcript: Dear FDA, I resently (sic) read that scient...
Read full storyKoch Bros. Buy Democrat Party, Harry Reid Short Circuits
Washington, D.C. - The Koch Brothers have had it with Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader from Nevada, and his constant railing against the brothers every time he props himself up against the podium on the floor of the Senate to spew asinine c...
Read full storyWV Gov.'s Name Serial Killer Worthy; Earl Ray Tomblin Follows Uncle Murda On List
West Virginia Governor Earl Ray Tomblin has been included in a magazine's list of celebrities and public figures whose names make them sound like serial killers. Serial Killer Magazine recently asked their readers for input in compiling a Top 10 l...
Read full storySecond Coming Of Christ Postponed Indefinitely
HEAVEN - In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of God, the Christian God that is, announced Tuesday the indefinite postponement of any "Second Coming" or "Ressurection" that had been promised to Christians for more than t...
Read full storyBritain forced to change name
Britain can no longer call itself Great Britain after a high court ruling today. The Law Lords have decided after seeing evidence of poverty on a scale not seen outside of Africa that from now on Britain should be known as Bit Crap Britain instead.
Read full storyNigerian email scammers suspected in Boko Haram 'Buy One, Get One Free!' child bride trafficking promo
Lagos, Nigeria - Reports from the Nigerian capital Lagos today say that Islamist nutjobs Boko Haram may have been duped into parting with hundreds of thousands of US dollars in 'transaction facilitation warranty' payments after advertising the sale o...
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