Woman Charged With Stone Ass Dead Drunk DUI Had 100 Percent Blood Alcohol Content

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

A Marshall County, WV, woman has been charged with DUI-Stone Ass Dead Drunk after she registered a 100 percent blood alcohol content.

"That's really well over the BAC limit, about ... well, a whole helluva lot over the limit," said Sheriff Kevin Cecil.

Cecil said deputies arrested Delores Downer at about 5 a.m. near her home on Butte Crack Hollow Road. Downer's 1977 Pacer was sitting in a ditch, while Downer was in the driver's seat, barely conscious, the sheriff said. Her teeth and a lighted cigarette were sitting in the ashtray.

"She was singing something like 'You got the knife, I got the gun, c'mon boy we gonna have some fun,' or something like that," Cecil said.

Deputies administered a breathalyzer test, but the unit began to spark, smoke and catch fire, "kind of like that tape recorder did at the beginning of every 'Mission: Impossible' episode," said Cecil, who believes Downer's BAC caused the device to corrode.

She was transported by deputies to Reynolds Memorial Hospital in Glen Dale, where a blood test was administered in the emergency room.

"She should be dead, well actually she may be dead, but is so drunk she doesn't know she's dead," said Cecil. "Doctors believe all the alcohol in her system is acting as a preservative for her organs and her body is acting as a Mason jar."

Reports indicate Downer drank nearly two dozen "Jack Attacks,'' which is a mixture of Jack Daniels, grain alcohol, Red Bull, grenadine, Tabasco sauce, ghost chili peppers and urinal cakes.

Downer will be arraigned as soon as she stops signing random country music lyrics or when it's determined if she's still actually alive or not.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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