Ripping Out Heart Better Than Lethal Injection
Dr. Joseph Mangele of Yale University, authority of Aztec culture and society, has written a book justifying capital punishment. He argues that when the state murders, in both societies, the ulterior motive is to maintain order and to sustain the pow...
Read full storyExcavations begin at Warren Jeffs' seized FLDS Yearning For Zion ranch
Eldorado, Texas - Workmen from the Texas Department of Public Safety were seen deploying ground-penetrating radar equipment today in what looked like a recce mission to scan the ranch's 1,600 acres sequestered from convicted polygamist pervert Warren...
Read full storyLegal Video Game Sales in Colorado Bring In $2M
Video games went on legal sale for the first time this January in Denver. The state has disclosed that within the first month, it made $2 million in tax revenue from video game sales. "I was one of those people in line to buy their video games on...
Read full storyWillie Nelson to Join Twitter Birdies at Wall Street Protest
Twitter birdies are disgusted, and they want the whole world to know. With the share price of Twitter down but work assignments up, the Twitter birdies say they have to speak out. Wall Street wants faster expansion of the business, but the birdie...
Read full storyMy Mother Was A Margarine Smuggler
Yes, it is true. Shameful but true. It is always difficult for the children of those involved in criminal activities to confront their past and the social stigmas associated with such behavior, but at some time it must be faced. My mother was a Margarine Smuggler. (My hand shakes still as I type this.) In the Wisconsin of the mid 20th century it was illegal to sell margarine. At all. Pe...
Read full story"Bullied at school" politicians using schoolyard insults on Farage.
Due to Nigel Farage rejecting a running spot for the vacant MP role of Newark, previously bullied politicians across the country are cracking out primary school insults to disparage the leader of the UKIP party. Politicians who have never been abl...
Read full storyMixed-Species Kardashian Birth Feted; Kim Plus Donkey Equals Kimkey
DEEP, DEEP INSIDE THE KARDASHIAN COMPOUND, HOLLYWOOD -- It's being called a wonder of nature as a mixed-species newborn known as a kimkey is being cared for at the Kardashian family compound. The marvel is the result of a one-nighter (well, an all...
Read full storySleazy NBA Billionaire Boys Club Owners
NBA Dallas Owner Mark Cuban doesn't want to take away Donald Sterling's ownership of the L.A. Clippers. (Cuban is the hyperactive out-of -shape guy, who sniffs the armpits of his players on the court after they win games for him.) Opposing taking a...
Read full storyVideo Shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Smoking 20-Pound Brisket
HALLOWED BOWELS OF CITY HALL, TORONTO, CANADA -- Mayor Rob Ford said he is taking a break from his re-election campaign to get help for his substance abuse issues after a video filmed over the weekend showed him smoking a 20-pound brisket. "I've d...
Read full storyOrange Substance Found On Wheeling, WV, Streets Not Toxic, Just Blood Of Satan
TURN LEFT THEN FOLLOW THE BLOOD, WHEELING, WV -- City officials are breathing a sign of relief after determining that a bright orange liquid found flowing onto 29th Street is not a toxic substance, but instead just the blood of Satan. "Residents h...
Read full storyOklahoma Governor Agrees to Extend Humane Slaughter Act to Human Death Row Inmates
Following the botched execution of death row inmate Clayton Lockett, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin announced that she will support legislation extending the Humane Slaughter Act, which has previously applied only to farm animals, to human prisoners.
Read full storyCan't We Focus On All The People Who Didn't Die From Smoking? Beg Tobacco Companies
Leading tobacco companies and cigarette makers are asking the public not to focus on the dangers of smoking but to switch their thoughts to the millons of people who smoked but did not die from smoking related illnesses. "Not everyone dies from ca...
Read full storyRichard Madley Lands His Own Chat Show Called 'All About Me'
News coming from ITV this morning, that Richard Madley is to host a new chat show, planned to compete directly with the BBC's Graham Norton show on the much covoted Friday Night slot. Tentatively titled 'All About Me' it seems ITV has finally give...
Read full storyInvincible Medical Prodigies
TEMPE, AZ-With voices articulating sounds quickly and clearly, medical physicians from around the country came together to Tempe Arizona to announce their new, allegedly brilliant method of perfecting an approach to diagnostic medicine. These vigorous doctors are coming up with profound ways to make the industry more efficient by simply raising their number of patients. If doctors can increase cli...
Read full storyDallas Cowboy's Fans Unite to Pray for Racist Remarks From Jerry Jones
Dallas - In light of the lifetime ban placed upon Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers, after his recent racist remarks, fans of the Dallas Cowboys football team have come together in prayer hoping their sorry-ass owner, Jerry Jones, will op...
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