Paula Abdul Begs To Return To American Idol
LOS ANGELES - It's no secret that since leaving American Idol, Paula Abdul has pretty much gone underneath the radar. The former AI judge recently spoke to Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk and assured her that contrary to popular belief sh...
Read full storyFootball Gossip & comments 19th July 2012
Sir Alex Ferguson has told friends that Manchester United will beat City and Juventus in the race to sign Arsenal captain Robin van Persie in a £20m deal. (Daily Mirror) Amazing, I didn't Ferguson had any friends... Liverpool's players are expected to win the ball back within seven seconds of losing possession and are given thorough details of the passing options they must offer every tea...
Read full storyThe Real Batman Hypercritical Of The Dark Knight And Other Batman Movies
The real Batman, Gotham billionaire, Bruce Wayne, today lambasted the various motion pictures depicting his superhero adventures, by saying that the raft of treatments were unrealistic, and quite simply, just not dark enough. "It was much darker t...
Read full story'Apology' insurance claims rock market
Underwriters in Lloyds of London are having their shirts extracted after a slew of succesful claims against 'apology' insurance policies. For years public figures have taken out insurance against the ignominy of having to apologise in public, with...
Read full storyGermans laugh as ewes sent to the gas chamber
A small article in a Bavarian farming journal has caused an international outcry after it was misrepresented in the New York Times yesterday. Following legislation passed by the European Commission, farmers around Munich are switching from machine...
Read full storyOliver Pistorius selected to run Hurdles at 2012 Olympics
In a mixup worthy of a Seb Coe cross-dressing party, Oliver Pistorius has been entered into the 400m Hurdles instead of his chosen event, the 400m. This is a huge setback for team South Africa. Whilst Pistorius has recorded a sub 45 second time in...
Read full storyAnderson Cooper Gay, Rush Limbaugh Comes Out as Fat
Rush Limbaugh has finally made it official: He's fat. The conservative radio show host has never publicly confirmed that detail until now, just a day after Anderson Cooper revealed his homosexuality. Limbaugh made the announcement via his Frien...
Read full story"God Particle" Found To Be Mormon Messenger
Special to TP News - Physicists at the CERN Laboratory in Switzerland announced that the Higgs boson, the so-called "God particle," resembles the Mormon angel Moroni. Moroni is the keeper of the golden plates on which is inscribed the Book of Mormon.
Read full storyMitt Romney Picks Former Mayor For Veep
No, it isn't Giuliani or Bloomberg, but following the example of John McCain, who selected the former mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin, as his veep, Mitt Romney has selected former mayor of Carmel, California, Clint Eastwood, as his veep. Recogn...
Read full storyDanny Boyle ordered to slash another 3 hours from 'tortuous' £27million Olympic Opening Ceremony
London - "Don't worry, old son," is how Lord Coe put it to Danny Boyle at lunchtime today, "no one's bound to even notice!" The remarks come amid fears that royal codgers 'like the Queen and Prince Philip' will never survive sitting through the Sl...
Read full storyA Country Music Shocker
NASHVILLE - The Country Music Bureau has issued a very stern directive to the entire country music industry. The president of the CMB Blanchard "Buckaroo" Buxtonhouse has stated that recent consumer polls show that the sales of country music CDs h...
Read full storyDark Night Rising Review
Black Knight Rises is the latest installment of the most recent trilogy of Batman movies. It's the third film which follows the release of two others which people went to cinemas all over the world to watch. Set to be this summers' 'big bugger' hollywood hyper monster, this film will be hitting our collective retinas very soon and accompanied by a fanfare of propaganda and viral posturing, which i...
Read full storyOver there, tell 'em, that the Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming!
Heathrow, LONDON: With many teenagers employed by G4S on £8.50 per hour, deciding to take days off to watch Jeremy Kyle or soaps, there may be trouble ahead. But why has the Olympic Security become a 'car crash', waiting to happen? Lord Coe et al...
Read full storyQuentin Kelp MP - My Funeral Arrangements
Dear Constituents I have had a hectic but very depressing few days that has left me questioning my policy towards a certain subject that I normally try not to contemplate - death. I'm sorry to sound morbid first thing on a morning but I need to share some most private thoughts with you so please don't forward this email without my permission. I wouldn't want any old Tom, Dick or Harry thinki...
Read full storyDerren Brown's adverts pulled from the TV
Popular illusionist, and mind-bending trickster, Derren Brown has seen the adverts for his new DVD pulled by advertising watchdogs after a series of complaints from the public. Watch is available now and has suddenly surged up the DVD charts after...
Read full storyTwo Peas in Pod: Ray Allen and Wes Welker
Only Ray Allen may be able to sympathize with Wes Welker. The Celtics ownership did to Ray what the Patriots ownership did to Wes. Whatever fancy words emanated from the front offices of those two Boston franchises, the truth was neither player...
Read full storyMobile Networks to Stop Texting
A new law has been invoked to persuade mobile users to speak rather than text. Medical professionals are frequently treating mobile users with Short Thumb Syndrome, a disease which eats away at texting thumbs. Doctor Sawyer of the University of La...
Read full storyPenn State Football Will Soon Be History
UNIVERSITY PARK, Pennsylvania - Penn State University spokesperson Calhoun "Lips" Lippalino called a press conference and informed the news media that the university has received a certified letter from the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Associat...
Read full storyRomney confounds the pundits, picks himself as VP candidate
BOSTON (July 18)-Already tiring of the continually mocking, whining criticism from the U.S. press corps, Mitt Romney has decided to end the VP search effective immediately; he announced today that he will run on the Republican ticket as the candidate...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Promises No Patrick Schwarzenegger Songs
NASHVILLE - Taylor Swift has stated that she really enjoyed visiting with the Kennedy Family at their Kennedy Hyannisport Compound. Taylor was the personal guest of Patrick Schwarzenegger, 18, the eldest son of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shri...
Read full storyA Very Pregnant Snooki Polizzi Looks Like A Bowling Ball With Legs and Arms
HACKENSACK, New Jersey - Jessica Simpson seemed to be pregnant for ten months before she gave birth to Maxwell House Drew Simpson-Johnson. And it now appears that one of the stars of The Jersey Shore, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi just might be giving h...
Read full storyEditors Deny Spoof News Articles Sponsorship Deal
Editors of several spoof and satire news websites have angrily denied that they have "sold out" and will now allow corporate sponsorship of articles and submissions. One editor, sipping a refreshing diet coke, which is low in calories yet still re...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Disses Jennifer Aniston
NEW YORK CITY - The Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie brood of half a dozen youngsters were out picnicking in Central Park. The couple had hired three off-duty members of the NYPD to provide security for the family. No one was allowed to come within...
Read full storyFootball Gossip & comments 18th July 2012
(Various) Dundee are chosen, ahead of Dunfermline Athletic, to replace the old Rangers in the Scottish Premier League. I think Dumfermline think they've been dun! (Daily Mail) Midfielder Oscar, 20, has arrived in London with the Brazil Olympic squad and will have a medical ahead of his £25m move from Internacional to Chelsea. All they need now is Luca Toni and Golden Globe for a team w...
Read full story