No Lame Duck, Bush To Run In 2008
Washington, D.C.- Bush 43, the 43rd president of the United States, against the better judgement and advice of Bush 41, his father and the 41st president of the United States, has decided (he is the Decider) to make a run for the White House two yea...
Read full storyMiami University Announces Changes
(Oxford, Oh) Miami University will be opening up three additional campuses in 2007, according to Dean of Student Relations, God Shamgod. "These campuses will be relatively small, compared to the main campus," Shamgod said. "But they wi...
Read full storyWhite House Opens Last Can of Whoop Ass; Eats It
Washington DC (AP) -- The White House found itself with only one can of Campbell's Classic Whoop Ass left in its cabinet this Tuesday night. Due to the startling lack of meal planning evinced by the administration, officials were forced to go ahe...
Read full storyBritney Spears Offers to Console Republicans for Lousy Election Results
LOS ANGELES (AP)-- Pop princess Britney Spears is taking a break from her messy divorce proceedings by making a public offer to console any Republican member of Congress on a date for their loss of House and Senate control to the Democrats on Novembe...
Read full storyReligious freedom fighters want Armistice Day white poppy
London - (Associated Mess): Fundamentalist religious stink tanks are demanding that the Government caves in to their demands this weekend and replaces the traditional Remembrance Day red poppy with the more politically correct papaver somniferum albu...
Read full storyRatzinger plans to go topless for new official Vatican calendar
Vatican City - (Associated Mess): Joseph Ratzinger is set to become the first Pope to launch his own Pirelli-style calendar which promises to show the Pontiff in a daring range of topless poses including traditional hardware accoutrements typical of...
Read full storyGay Marriages Soar in Popularity
The reactionary stance taken by religious fundamentalists is helping drive gay marriages to new heights. Same sex couples are being so shamed in their relationships that there is now a frantic rush to get down the aisle and into social respectability...
Read full storyDemocrat Mid-Term Election Gains Divide America as the South Secedes
ATLANTA - America is so divided following the electoral shifts in Congress, say two prominent political scientists, the country is literally splitting in two -- as the South secedes again.
Read full storyAfter Re-Taking House, Pelosi Democrats to Make Radical Changes
SAN FRANCISCO - Democrats will bring new life, new leadership and mauve curtains to a newly redecorated House of Representatives. As her first act as Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) plans bring in the "Fab Five&q...
Read full storyCalvin Klein Introduces New Line of Textbooks
NEW YORK, NEW YORK-In a move today that might remind you of the movie, "Weekend At Bernies," or corporations contracting to run school systems, clothing designer Calvin Klein has come up with a new way to "dress up an old white, dead g...
Read full storyDonald Rumsfeld Quits to Look After Britney Spears' Dogs
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - In a surprise move, US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, 74, has resigned "in order to look after the dogs" of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline during their messy divorce proceedings.
Read full storyBurger King Seeks to Add Pot Burgers to Menu
Due to the increased business of the Burger King location that served marijuana laced whoppers to two policemen, Burger King Corporation has announced plans to make this a regular menu item.
Read full storyCheney Responds to Republican Losses
In response to the overwhelming Democratic victory of both houses of Congress in Tuesday's mid-term elections, U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney has decided to bury the political hatchet and seek compromise and the middle ground. Thanksgiving week...
Read full storyAl-Qaeda, Hezbollah and Hamas Attack on American Soil
HARRISBURG, Penn. -- Militants from Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah and Hamas advanced on Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, the Harrisburg Patriot-News reported today. A small contingent of the Pennsylvania National Guard and park rangers from the National Park Service...
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