Prostitute Fingers John Ashcroft!
(AP) An embarrassed John Ashcroft hid from reporters this morning after it was revealed that a prostitute has accused the US Attorney General of lewd acts. The scantily clad young woman was being held on prostitution charges in Falls Church.
Read full storyFlorida Elects Another "DumbAss" For Prezodent
Happy Shops convenience store mopping supervisor, Bubba Domas ("DumbAss"), was recently voted Prezodent of the Crestview Trailer Park Cooperative, LLC ("CTP"). This election will have great resonance in the small Florida c...
Read full storyGoat Glands Prove Effective
Scientists in Basil, Switzerland announced today that goat glands used as an aphrodisiac are effective when used properly. According to the scientists previous studies were flawed because researchers injected goat gland matter into men witho...
Read full storyParcells Issues Apology for "Inappropriate References"
IRVING, Texas (AP) -- Bill Parcells apologized Monday for several terms he used in discussing the Dallas Cowboy's minicamp. Parcells was describing some of the Cowboy's new plays when he made his remarks.
Read full storyBlunkett's little secret.
British Home Secretary, David Blunkett, today revealed that he is in fact not blind.
Read full storyVerizon offers Caller ID Blocking Blocking Bypassing
It's an inevitable but innovative move in phone services, as Verizon is the first to offer Caller ID Blocking Blocking Bypass.
Read full storyGreenspan forecasts doom if he dies
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Alan Greenspan said that the Federal Reserve will run out of money and the world will fall into financial despair when he dies.
Read full storyAd Execs Say Bush, Kerry TV Spots Boring
WASHINGTON - The Madison Avenue hucksters behind the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" biatch and the presumptuous McDonald's "I'm lovin' it" ads think this year's presidential campaign ads could use some pizazz.
Read full storyGonad Grease - New Lubricant To Replace Oil
Scientists in Finland have discovered that grease from human male gonads can be used to replace fossil fuel based oil as a lubricant.
Read full storyWorld's tallest man views Reagan casket
SIMI VALLEY, Calif. - The tallest man in the world is one of the thousands of people coming to get a first glimpse of the flag-draped casket of Ronald Reagan.
Read full storyVenus flytrap lures Enron heist gang to CIA island
(Greenwich Royal Observatory, London) In a once in a lifetime occurrence visible only to lie-detector trained specialists, a gigantic Dionaea Muscipula this morning crossed the Earth's orbit and headed straight to an area cordoned off by the Def...
Read full storyIraq government temps get naked truth
BAGHDAD -- In a controversial development today, members of the new Iraqi interim government were stripped and marched to their offices by coalition troops.
Read full storyReagan's Image To Adorn Small Change?
In celebration of the death of Ronald Reagan, many Conservative groups have begun advocating to have the "Grandfather of the Neo-Con Movements" likeness adorn some form of American currency. The push to have the dead actors face replace that of Presi...
Read full storyApple Introduces Expensive White Box with Holes, Plug, and Logo
SILICON VALLEY, CA June 8 - Apple today unveiled a new device called iBOX. This attractive white box plugs into a typical wall socket and draws an economical 650 watts of power simply to light up the its useless logo. However, befor...
Read full storyLocal Girl Reports She Wants to "Punch" Avril Lavigne
Topeka, Kansas - Local area resident, Cotie Shintani, 13, wants to "punch" popular Canadian songstress Avril Lavigne. On Monday evening, while typing to an undisclosed friend through the popular AOL Instant Messenger, Shintani expressed that "someti...
Read full storyGatorade Introduces New Meat Flavored Beverages
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - After public demand and a 46-hour hunger strike, the Gatorade Corporation has finally approved plans for a brand new lineup of meat flavored sports drinks. Some of the upcoming flavors include Fierce Pork, Frosty Beef, a...
Read full storyLost Paperwork Traps Refugee in Crappy French Airport
PARIS, France June 8th - He could be any passenger waiting for a flight, cleaning his socks in a drinking fountain of Charles de Gaulle Airport's Terminal One, luggage piled neatly by his side.
Read full storyN.Y. mayor seeks to silence the city
NEW YORK CITY -- In an ambitious effort to bring peace to New Yorkers, Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg is going to outlaw noise in the borough of Manhattan.
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden Will Attend Reagan Funeral
Washington (AP) Osama Bin Laden is going to try to attend Ronald Reagan's funeral this week. The CIA reports a high level of chatter on several Middle East channels that indicate the terrorist leader will alter his appearance in order to show up with...
Read full story