Love/Hate relationships I have mixed feelings about my feathered "friends." On the one hand, I spend over a thousand dollars a year on feeding, housing, and bathing songbirds, hummers, owls, hawks, waders, and, yes, vultures too. I love watching birds throughout the year. Not only has my knowledge grown to the point where I can identify them by breed, but truly, I know some of them, indi...
I've been accused of being a grumpy old man; it is true, I am. Some folk, mostly shrinks, ask me why I am so grouchy all the time; is it nature or nurture? I live for this question! It is both in my nature to be grumpy, and my nurturing assures I shall never change. Seven European families make up the sum of my gene pool. It was pissed in, repeatedly, by the women who swam there. Two...
"Don't cry, Mama, it will grow back in no time," Elderly Girl says, holding her ever-tinier old mother in her arms. God, that woman's tears can rip you to shreds. Elderly Girl does not enjoy having to be maternal. It gets in the way of her lust for drama. As most of you are are aware, Elderly Girl had perhaps the most beautiful and celebrated hair on Earth. Even so, the urge to liberate hers...
As Elderly Girl has informed you dear women before, she insists on having her "time of the month," even though she has been post-menopausal for eons.To be honest, it is pretty much always her time of the month, and, to quote the great soul songstress Ella Fitzgerald, "It Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own." She believes it is her biological prerogative to burst into tears, punch holes in wa...
The Pope has declared Original Sin forgiven upon hearing that a woman has menstruated Jesus. The woman in her thirties was routinely about to change her sanitary towel when she saw a face staring up from between her legs. Upon closer inspection the w...
In what may be the most thoughtful gesture of their 3-year relationship, Jake Harrington plans to leave his girlfriend Mary Rockmore a half-eaten bologna sandwich. Harrington said the thoughtful act, which occurs after the two had a long argumen...
Washington DC - Aunt Jemima held a brief press conference today. She announced that she would no longer agree to be Gaston's pick for Vice President of the United States of America. "I's no way gunna serve no pancakes with crappy aspartame syrup.
Liza Grey, State Representative for Michigan, was banned from speaking in the House of Representatives for saying the word "a***e" during a recent speech to the House. The word was used as the anatomically correct way to describe the part of the...
SYDNEY: Australian fitness fanatic, Koen Verelst, is wanted for questioning after forcing at least 3 or 4 obese women to exercise at gunpoint. It is thought that Vereslt, now on the run, approached the group as they were exiting a local Mcdonalds.
An extremely ignorant, bigoted, loud, bullying, unqualified "teacher" from North Carolina has been revealed to be an Obama 'Sleeper' mole, hell bent on destroying the liberties, free speech, free thinking youth of America by brain washing her studen...
Neuroscience has located a section of the female brain that is seemingly geared towards wanting to wear make-up. Located in the primitive hind brain, the so dubbed 'Number 7' section is not present in male brains. "We've studied this group of n...
TULSA - First it was Women's Beach Volleyball and then came The Lingerie Football League. And now thanks to sports mogul Carson "Dollar $ign$" Esterelli, the American males will soon be gazing upon gorgeous women in The Girl's Bikini Hockey League...
A desperate looking female named Heather Matarazzo has been jailed for 40 years for craving a younger man she victimized. Matarazzo also known as "The alley cat cougar", because she stocked young men in alleys as they walked home from college, was...
CHICAGO - Word out of the "Windy City" is that The Lingerie Football League has suspended the 2012 season but plans on returning at full speed in April of 2013. LFL spokesperson Duval Dippingwater, 43, stated that the team owners felt that they wa...
When Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC, called a press coference today pertaining to women's rights, the media assumed he would counter attack the Democaratic Party's claim that the GOP is against womens's rights. The media was confident he would m...
Scranton, PA resident Kimberly Ellison plans to age gracefully. "I've decided I'm not going to wear makeup or anything when I get older," said Ellison, who turned 24 last month and who once had to google the unfamiliar term, 'crows-feet'. "I ju...
There was a sense of relief when I woke on day seven of my forfeit. My wife had decided I should feel the pains that a woman feels throughout a rather intense week. Having been through the pain of shopping, make-up, dressing, working, getting ready, dieting, going to the loo, undressing, walking, sitting, standing, lying, sleeping, meeting people, and many more, I felt that there was no more pain,...
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