Edited by Lymington Spode. News: Mrs Hane from the Bacon Grinders Forum has been awarded "Sow of the year" yet again. Ardle Pitterfong has returned from the jungles of Borneo The interesting insect specimens he brought back with him are being removed at the hospital. Funeral Directors, Mardews of Dorking are offering a two for one special this month. Church Hall Events: March...
An nationwide poll has revealed that nearly half of all people who attend church only do so to get laundry change from the collection plate. "If this is true, it's startling," said Reverend Augie Fistleprig of the Church of the Holy Cow. "I mus...
A UK man with 200K to spare felt it burning in his pockets and God kept telling him to spend it on one of his impoverished churches. The Devil had different ideas and wanted him to "blow it" on sex, drugs and rock and roll. After going for a walk...
911 operators were surprised and a bit shocked when a caller requested help from a situation he'd gotten himself into. The 911 operator answered the call: 911 Operator Can I help you Caller (In a muffled voice) I'm stuck in handcuffs and I can't get out 911 Operator I'm sorry I couldn't understand what you said, could you repeat yourself. Caller (In a muffled voice) I'm stuck i...
Dear Constituents (and Parishioners) I have had a very hectic week. I should really have gone along to the Party Conference but, instead, undertook some specialised work experience. Unless one is pre-booked to perform on the main stage or even one of the side shows, Party Conferences are a useless pathway to career progression especially for a non-comformist so I decided to get away with...
Reverend Dicker stood in the pulpit and looked out onto his congregation. He had done this every Sunday for thirty years. Today would be his last sermon before retiring to the sunny isle of Capri. The church was full, as usual, with the usual people. Gods flock all bleating to the same tune. While waiting for the hymn to finish, Dicker took another swig from his hip flask. "Good morning bro...
International wrestling champion Igor T. Church has been called in to chuck out the eleven farmworkers still occupying the cellar of Lord Swilling's country manor house in Somerset. The angry villagers decided on the blockade, now in its sixth day...
There was anger and condemnation today from the Vatican, over the jailing of little known punk band Pussy Riot in Russia. The group was booked to play at the Popes 'Jesus Rocks' benefit concert next weekend, but the sentencing of the ladies in Mos...
After his father was laid off from his construction job and his family became forced to subsist on food stamps and public assistance, eight-year-old Chris Peterson of Augusta, Georgia, prayed to God, specifically requesting that he be let out by the...
A vicar in Northumberland has come up with a novel new way of "bringing in the sheep" Back and to the Left news investigates. Rev John Thomas of The Holy Mother, Father and Stepson Trinity Church in Wigglesworth Northumberland has stepped up his c...
(Pete's store, 1949) Abe and Sally Foreside come in the front door of Pete's Country Store fanning dog pecker gnats. (Pete) "Doggone it! Those things follow you two around. Wish you would leave them at home. I had to spray for two hours the other day." "It's Abe and his coonhounds under the porch. We'll start going out the back door. Did the Liberry Truck leave the books?" "Yeah. Picke...
In a new book, 'Elizabeth the Queen, She's On The Throne', by royal biographer Sally Bedsheet-Vomit, Sally has revealed some of the items Her Majesty likes to carry around with her in her handbag. They include a crisply folded five, and ten pound not...
It was indeed a sad day for inhabitants of the parochial village of 'Stoke Pogues' as the local vicar Reverend Arthur Basingston committed suicide - inadvertently eradicating the local demographic. In the ultimate act of self-destruction, he stra...
The Church of England (CofE) preaches that thinking of oneself is not the way Christians should go about their lives but thinking of others should be done too. When we say our prayers we often pray for forgiveness and state "I", "me", "my", etc which is not generally thinking of others, so a prayer for everyone to enter the Kingdom of God has been criticised for being too considerate towards th...
Vatican--Karl Rove is sick of exploiting the weak-minded with tales of how some mysterious figure is trying to take away all their rights. "I feel the horrible burden of my sins, all the lies, like Republicans care about the unborn children of po...
Harfold State College will add a new art history/religion course to its offerings in the fall semster. Entitled "Ugly Churches only Jesus could love," the course is designed to focus on sorry attempts to please the Lord by building something modern.
Many Churches around the world have seen a decline in tithing in their congregations since members are not carrying cash as often. The churches decided last week to install credit card readers into the collection plates because most people carry...
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