One evening not long ago my wife and I found ourselves bound for our local shopping mall. She had to buy stuff, you see. Now, don’t get me wrong. Neither my wife nor I are really shoppers, so I don’t want to imply that she was out there just mindlessly spending money, especially since she’ll probably read this and if I make her look bad I’ll catch it hot big time. By the way, have I told you how b...
United States President George W. Bush revealed today that the Administration has evidence that Saddam Hussein was responsible for the complete destruction of the planet earlier this year.
The Space Explorer Beagle has been found in the backyard of Festus P. Hyman in Billings, Montana.
The Bush Administration, now that Saddam Hussein has been captured, has been putting together a list of countries and individuals that are next to be targeted for attack and destruction. An unnamed Administration official ( Wegman ‘Pudgy' Waterhous...
I shouldn’t have put my name on the National Do Not Call Registry. This morning, just as I was relaxing with my sixteenth cup of coffee, there was a knock at the door. I opened it up and there was a guy standing before me with two telephone receivers in his hand. “Can I help you?” I ask, a little taken aback. The fellow held up a finger, the first one, so don’t worry, and handed me one o...
Rush Limbaugh yesterday blamed the Democratic Party, the Vatican, Doctors without Borders and the International Red Cross for getting him hooked on pain killers and making him stupid.
The United States is getting ready to send a reply to United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan's proposal for an expanded UN role in the U.S. Protectorate of Iraq.
Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina: The dismembered foot of a dead teenager was accidentally sent home to his mother after it was inadvertently mixed in with his clothing. Halifax Medical Center attributed the misstep to an overcrowded refrigerator.
The head of the Bush Administration's Weapons of Mass Destruction team ( the team in charge of finding them, not making them) is said to be ready to resign. No actual weapons or even evidence of any weapons have been found in almost nine months of se...
Russian President Vladimir Putin has once again called the United States invasion of Iraq "unjustified" citing a lack of United Nations support. He was especially critical of U.S. President George W. Bush, saying, "That guy's been creeping me out eve...
If you can get ahead when all about you are losing...
With the courts bench piled high with Dorito's Nacho Corn Chips, M&M's, empty ice cream dishes and Pepsi cans, the U.S. 9th District Court of Appeals upheld the use of medical marijuana in spite of a 1970 Federal law that prohibits the use of all pot...
Yesterday I found myself standing in twenty inches of snow on a street in Syracuse, New York standing next to none other than the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney. At first I figured it had to be someone else, but then I noticed he wa...
The FBI reported today that America's murder rate rose a disappointing 1.1% in the first six months of 2003. Worse, the overall crime rate in the United States actually fell 3.1%, one of the worst showings in the last decade.
I was sitting at my computer, happily tapping away, writing another little dream sequence about our illustrious leaders when my wife walked by and started reading over my shoulder. “ You know, you should be careful about what you’re writing. You’re probably on some FBI watch list by now.”...
I was looking for something to write for an uplifting Christmas story, and my mind flashed back to New York City, eighteen years ago. At the time, I owned a nightclub in Grammercy Park, just north of Fourteenth St, called Irving Plaza. I don’t remember who the Christmas Eve act the night before was, although I know it was a sold out show. I know this because at about four in the morning as...
In a stunning development, United States Pro Consul for Iraq, Paul Bremmer announced the capture of former dictator Saddam Hussein. Hussein, known as Scooter by his friends, was interrogated by Coalition Forces about his time on the run.
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