Have you ever had a phone conversation with a family member that you said to yourself, "If anyone was listening I bet they'd shoot themselves right in the face."? I had a phone conversation with my mom:
Mom: "Where are you?"
Butch, "I'm at home."
Mom: "Oh, really?"
Butch, "No, not really. Technically I'm in the front yard."
Mom: "I know you don't like seafood, but I just stopped at this seafood place. Do you want anything?"
Butch: "Do they have anything besides seafood?"
Mom: "I don't think so…."
Butch: "Do they have chicken or anything like that?"
Mom: "Let's see they have scrod, shrimp, lobster."
Butch: "No. No. No."
Mom: "Oh, here we go. They have a chicken basket."
Butch: "Okay, I'll have that."
Mom: "Well, I don't know what's in it."
Butch: "It's probably chicken inside of a basket."
Mom: "Do you want that?"
Butch: "No. Get me the shrimp."
Mom: "I thought you don't like seafood."
Butch: "I don't but it will end this conversation quicker."
It's a good day to take a walk, and crap all over my neighbor's yard.
Have you ever been deep sea fishing, sir? Yeah, I have too. It's called having sex with my girlfriend.
You really can't look like a bad ass getting out of your car if you got into an accident, and once your door opens, people can hear Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons blasting from your stereo.
I 'm so cheap I steal pens from the bank.
This may sound a bit cheesy, but, when I'm first dating a girl, I always like to wait until the second or third date…..before..you know…I uhhhh……pay for dinner. That's because I respect her.
I always filed my taxes; I never wanted to pay someone else to do it. When I was younger living at home I used to claim my allowances.
I'm a very potent man. I have to say. I accidentally impregnated a girl having phone sex.
I live out on Cape Cod. So, it's obvious that I spend a lot of time out on the beach….pooping in sand castles.
I was at the mall with my girlfriend trying on a shirt, and she said, "Green's your color." I said, "I know. I'm its top shareholder."
I went to McDonald's the other day, and wow is that stuff greasy. I'm not talking about the food I'm talking about the employees 'faces. I think it's the grease from their faces that drips off and makes the food so greasy. If their bosses bought them soap, then the food would be healthier.
You know you're cheap when you make change in wishing wells. And file it in your taxes as a donation to charity.
I went to Stop and Shop yesterday and found 50 dollars. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Just sitting there in the register.
Oops, I just sharted my pants. But. That's okay because I just drank Windex before the show and that way it won't leave streaks.