Gag me with a spoon

Submitted by Ray Bellew

Monday, 17 November 2014

I walked into a men's clothing store and asked the sales clerk to help me pick out some neckwear. He said I'd look good in a noose.

I got a call from a telemarketer trying to sell me a burial plot. When I balked, he offered me a two weeks free trial.

Wheel Of Fortune put my picture on its bankruptcy space.

My spittoon spits back at me.

My wife installed a remote controlled ejection seat in my recliner.

I bought a car that talks. It told me to take a bus.

I belong to a wine tasting group. We meet under a bridge.

A cop told me my body would make a perfect chalk outline.

And last, and maybe least, I asked a hotel maid to give me a DO NOT DISTURB SIGN. She said, "Right, you look disturbed enough already."

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