I walked into a men's clothing store and asked the sales clerk to help me pick out some neckwear. He said I'd look good in a noose.
I got a call from a telemarketer trying to sell me a burial plot. When I balked, he offered me a two weeks free trial.
Wheel Of Fortune put my picture on its bankruptcy space.
My spittoon spits back at me.
My wife installed a remote controlled ejection seat in my recliner.
I bought a car that talks. It told me to take a bus.
I belong to a wine tasting group. We meet under a bridge.
A cop told me my body would make a perfect chalk outline.
And last, and maybe least, I asked a hotel maid to give me a DO NOT DISTURB SIGN. She said, "Right, you look disturbed enough already."