My fellow delgates, I'm Albert (Al) B. Regular, and I'm honored to be here at Flushing Hall, for the Kaopectate National Convention (KNC), to introduce our Party's candidates for President and Vice President.
It's hard to believe that I'm hear tonight. I was brought into this world and raised by humble parents, they themselves begotten by humble parents, who were born of humble immigrants of mixed nationality, who swam here from down under, just because they were being shit on by their old world governments; and so that their children and their children's children would also have the opportunity to live in a country that gives a shit.
My parents believed that anyone could grow-up and get out of the house, by simply, getting their shit together. Well folks, I did.
During my formative years, my parents would often tell me, "Albert, get your shit together, and bring those shitty grades up from the bottom." They never stopped encouraging me to get my head our of my ass and get to the head of my class; so after dropping out, I went back, 17 times, and I graduated, at 67, Grande Coffee Latte, from this grand old school, the Flushing Night School of Admirable Mention.
My parents would be so proud, that their son, the son of parents of their parent's parents of parent immigrants, has gone from Flushing to this Imodium podium; that he's really got his shit together. Where else butt in America!
Butt enough about me. Let's say something about our opponents from other side of the aisle. Simply, they're a bunch of butt-heads who are as full of shit as we are; butt, we have the answer. What is it? You know what it is. Let me hear it:
"The Kaopectate Movement!" "The Kaopectate Movement!" "Yippie-ki-aye!
And what's our slogan:
"Get Your Shit together!" "Get Your Shit together!" Yippie-ki-aye!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm proud to introduce, the next President and Vice-President of these United States of America, the greatest country on the the planet, the solar system, the galaxy, and as far as the top 1% are concerned, "our" Universe..., the meal ticket of tomorrow, the two most qualified shit slingers I know; the two men that will surely hear and respond with the voice of the people, "Terry Fader and Jeff Dunham!!!!!!!! Yippie-ki-aye.
(The Kaopectate Movement may or may not be affiliated with John's Son and John's Son Pharmaceuticals. My name is Albert, and I approved this fictitious message.