50 Tips. advice, and clues for Men - about Women!

Submitted by Inchcock

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.

After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair *before* bed.

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are *never* wrong. Apologising is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm... who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that) PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.

Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.

Women will make three left-hand turns to avoid making one right-hand turn.

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys.(which gets them in more trouble)

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves!

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This would get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humour in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see womens trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?

The reason why women's bras don't always match their underwear, is because they actually change their underwear!

Stop telling women that most male strippers are gay, they don't care.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt!

Eye contact is best established above women's shoulder-level!

To generalise on women is dangerous - To specialise on them is infinitely worse.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's - That's because she changes it more often!

The best way for men to succeed in life is to act on the advice they give to women!

When men break up with women that means it's over, and they will only sleep with you two or three more times!

Women appreciate it when you keep your condoms within close reach from the bed so we don't spend ten minutes waiting naked while you search the other end of the apartment. - Sarah Knowles, 29, Brooklyn

Sometimes women want to be treated like a princess. Sometimes, we want to be treated like a sex object. It's up to you to figure out which of these we want to be at any given moment, because we certainly aren't going to tell you! - Julianna Mendelsohn, 29, Chicago

Whether we're out on our 1st or 93rd dinner together, we want dessert.

Whether we ask for it or not, we want dessert.

Whether we're dieting or not, we want dessert.

When you're in doubt, order us dessert (preferably something with lots of chocolate) - why?

Because we want dessert!

When you have misbehaved, and need help emerging from the doghouse.

Flowers won't get you out of the doghouse entirely, but sometimes they help just a little.

But remember though that if your relationship is falling apart, then don't waste your money on flowers... diamonds perhaps?

Collated by senile, bald, decrepit, impecunious Nottingham OAP Bartholomew Utterswaithe (65), from all over the web, books, and word of mouth.

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