29 Essential Differences between Men and Women!

Submitted by Inchcock

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Compiled by decrepit, impecunious, senile Nottingham Senior Citizen Bartholomew Utterswaithe (65), from many advice and joke sites sites, and word of mouth.

1) Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship - They just chicken scratch.

Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.

Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".

It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman - Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of her note.

2) The Future:

A woman worries about the future - until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future - until he gets a wife.

3) Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Carbolic soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items, and would only risk extreme confusion if he tried to.

4) Toilets:

Men use rest rooms for purely biological reasons.

Women use rest rooms as social lounges.

Men in a rest room will rarely speak a word to each other.

Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Mark, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

5) Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware that there are some noisy short people living in the house.

6) Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

7) Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.

Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

8) Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweat shirt inside out, rent a van, and take his mountain of clothes to the Launderette.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Launderette.

This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style, and Coronation Street."

9) Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

10) Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men.

Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading football cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.

This is why college romances rarely work out.

11) The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool.

They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

12) Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

13) Mirrors:

Women look into mirrors for hours arranging makeup and doing a million things to their hair only to decide they are having a bad hair day.

Men look into the mirror before they go out for no apparent reason.

14) Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things - They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

15) Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

16) Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.

The man waters the plants.

The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants.

No one knows why this happens.

17) Spending Money:

A man will pay £10 for a £5 item he needs.

A woman will pay £5 for a £10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

18) Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.

The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.

He buys aviator glasses, snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car he can't afford.

19) Admitting mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

20) Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously.

They'll shell out £400 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics - Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

21) Locker Rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.

They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room-sex.

And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

22) Movies/Films:

Females prefer Musicals, Romance or Emotional films.

Men prefer Sport films, Documentaries, Action, Cowboy, Comedy, and Hero films - but they watch Musicals, Romance or Emotional films.

23) Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are half of a lemon, and something turning green.

Then he goes grocery shopping.

He buys everything that looks good.

By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than a clown car.

Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane!

24) Time:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games just got five minutes left.

Neither of them is counting extra-time, commercials, or replays.

25) Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys.

Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.

As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.

Examples of men's toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalisers, computer programs that do useless things very fast, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate!

26) Getting Waxed:
No we do not enjoy getting waxed at the salon.

It's time, money, and energy wasted on agonizing physical pain, so it wouldn't hurt you to trim your nose hairs and tweeze your unibrow.

We also understand that you're a man and you're entitled to chest hair, but please don't abuse the privilege.

If you can braid them, shave them!

27) Wind
Women also burp and fart... but in private.

How would you feel if your woman rubbed her belly and burped after each meal?

28) Your Toys
Your obsession with your Play station, X Box, iPad, or whatever, is pathetic!

Especially when we walk into the room and you treat us like we're invisible.

I'll tell you what we really think about your new top score, we'd like to take it and shove it up your...

Often, when a woman says something, it is not what she means.

But, other times, she says exactly what she means.

It is only possible to distinguish these two cases if you are a woman.

Since women already know the nature of women, this is of no use to them.

For men, we can only hope to distinguish the difference, for a mistake in judgement can result can be fatal!.

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