Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing...
Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken.
The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, "Please take a seat, ladies."
The deaf lady asked her friend, "What did he say?"
"He would like us to sit down."
Then the photographer asked, "Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?"
"What did he say?"
"He's going to focus!"
"What, both of us?"
Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law...
Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "£10 each."
Grandpa only had a £50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave £10 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found £110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only £10. There's £110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other £100 is from Grandma!"
If my body was a car...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my reduced maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
The groom was 95 and the bride was 23...
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But low and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"