Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!
He made parts of my lower body tingle in a way I had long forgotten.
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
His atheletic and muscular bulges were very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a great week!
I am sure he likes me!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
His rewarding smile, encouraging words and caresses from his very strong arms made it all worthwhile.
I feel Great!
It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is Very annoying!
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
He said some other poop too!
Thursday:
Bumwipe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my ruddy shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells.
When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.
He sent some ruddy skinny bitch to find me - Bumwipe!
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank!
Friday:
I hate that ruddy stupid bumwipe Christo, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would bash the poop out of him.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any ruddy triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the ruddy barbells or anything that weighs more than a ruddy sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher!
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Satan had the poxy cheek to leave a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
He is truly such a ruddy bumwipe.
Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner, however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the blooming Weather Channel!
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is finally over.
I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a ruddy root canal or a rucking hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
