Thank you for calling the British Army c/o M.O.D.
We're sorry, but all three of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached.
As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Argentinian's, and attending the compulsory Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options:
If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the British Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the RAF. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey flannel bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the Grenadier Guard.
Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the British Army Special Operations Command.
Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent costs.
If you are interested in joining the British Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Parliament erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed-over for promotion Army Recruiter.
It is not anticipated that the Government who have slashed the number of personnel in HM Forces will actually start recruiting again, until the annual summer riots become uncontrollable by the reduced number of police personnel, or possibly when the thousands of officers taken form all around the country to police the London Olympics causes murderous violence in the suburbs.