Thank you !!!!!
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year. Thanks to you:
* I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
* I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels!
* I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed!
* I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including faeces.
* I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose! (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
* Eating a Little cake sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years!
* I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
* I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing!
* Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time!
* I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £100,000 from Readers Digest!
* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish!
* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers!
* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day!
* Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
* Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
* I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas!
* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans!
* I no longer use Cling-film wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer!
* And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me
* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with Aids!
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me as I'm being assaulted by the Big Issue seller!
* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Nigeria, Pakistan, Jamaica, Uzbekistan or Uganda!
* And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a £10 note dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.