If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.
Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat - use the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
Then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
When you fail in your servicing of the wife, blame it on the Lithuanian Viagra, the Bulgarian fags, the Romanian Beer, or Polish Whiskey!