I am god, and it has been brought to my attention that you're all making a total mess of everything.
Not just a bit of a mess, but a total kitchen, after a rather good party that just did not want to end kind of mess.
How hard can it be?
You have a nice planet to live on, plenty of resources, you have evolved to the point where you can perform miracles that make the miracles I did when I was into doing that kind of thing, look like party tricks and all you seem to be able to do is screw it up.
You understand a lot, but understand nothing.
You can't get along, you squabble like children and your squabbles always seem to end in a lot of people being killed, starved or maimed.
Have any of you had a good look around, do you see any of the other creatures who have the misfortune to share the planet with you acting like that? (When I say other creatures, I mean the ones you have not destroyed as yet).
You do not, and quite frankly I am very nearly out of patience with you, and my patience is almost infinite this should go some way to explaining how mad I really am. Your all gods creatures, yes all of you, the Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sheiks, those of you without any god, every last man, woman and child, yes even Security Guards (although this may be under review so take note).
There are no chosen people where I am concerned, you're all equal, the only thing any religion on earth has got right is the fact there is a god, other than that you're all wrong, and have used your bigotry to hurt and enslave your fellow creatures, (perhaps this is my fault and
I should of put you right a long time ago but one did not want to interfere).
So I'm putting you all on probation.
Start being nice to each other or else! (I am a god, the god, the only god that I know of, so please trust me when I say that you don't want to know what ELSE is, but it's pretty well god awful and will almost certainly involve the human race ceasing to exist. (Which would I'm sure will come as a great relief to everything other than yourselves).
There is no need for war, there is no need for anyone to starve.
I'm not saying perfect, I'm saying better.
You are the same, but you're obsessed with superficial differences, tobacco and alcohol and gratuitous sex.
The colour of your skins, in what form you worship me, in what language you speak, on what piece of land you happen to live on.
Come on people get a grip, seeing it written down like that does it not strike you that none of that matters, that they are things of absolutely no consequence at all.
Have a little respect for each other, that's all I'm asking, its not hard.
Treat each other how you yourself would like to be treated. (Do you need examples I expect you do).
Ask yourself would you like to be torn limb from limb by a missile and see your family torn apart?
Well then, don't let other people starve, (there is enough of everything to go round).
You're bright creatures you can work it out. Religion, well its probably better if I gloss over that as much as possible, as it seems to do strange things to you, you may well be better off getting rid of the whole concept, as it's just an awfully big stick with which to hit each other with. You all have some pretty nice stories you know, the basics are pretty much the same.
Don't kill each other, love each other, don't walk on the other side and all that never really understood the don't take my name in vain bit and a lot of you seem to be really big on that in one way or another and it usually ends with a crusade or a stonning but on the whole, they're not bad codes with which to live your lives, and if you had left it there the world would be in a much better state than its in, but you're human, and you in your infinite wisdom, (sorry just had a coughing fit after using the word wisdom and human in the same sentence), decided that the best way to achieve love, harmony and all that, was to go to war and kill every blighter that did not believe in how to get to love, harmony etc in the same way as you.
All this hell and damnation for anyone that deviated from what you call normal, it's disgraceful it really is.
So a few points:
1. I don't care who has sex with whom, men with men, men with women, women with women, frankly humanity I don't give a damn, (all religious leaders and a good number of politicians take note). Yes, I know there is that having babies thing, but take a look around, not exactly a shortage of people now is there, you know it makes sense.
2. Men and women are the same, they are equal, neither of you are brighter, better, kinder. (Is that simple enough for you).
3. I only made one planet and at my age I have no intention of making another. (you have again been warned) I'm going to leave you with these words, again I have made them simple.
Be nice, be happy, have long and happy lives, try and do as little harm as possible. Follow the above and we are going to get along just fine.
P.S: I dropped this note by huge rip-off big rock, with the words carved into the side and made sure there were TV cameras there to record the event, because well, you know the reason, as deep down you know what your like:
Pathetic, greedy, selfish, repugnant, nasty, obnoxious, cruel, vindictive, murderous, demented, people.
Most worrying for you . . . I'll see you later!