10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Wetpants!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of cigarettes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Kid finds an adoption form in his Christmas card
4. Sends him off on one of them holiday to Afghanistan
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll break you arm."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"