When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher!
What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel!
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."