Arsene Wenger's alarm went off this morning.
His wife said, "Wake up dear it's nine!"
His response was, "Oh for Christ's sake I can't believe they've scored again!"
A journalist is interviewing David Beckham after an LA Galaxy game.
"So, David," he says. "There are some ridiculous transfer rumours flying around about you. How do you respond to them?"
Beckham sighs and says, "They're not ridiculous transfers, they're tattoos.
There's been outbreak of illness in the Arsenal changing rooms. Almunia, Fabianski and Szczesny aren't worried, because they can't catch anything!
I hear Steven Spielberg is making another movie about a swashbuckling archaeologist who searches for mythical artifacts unseen by humans for many years.
It's called Indiana Jones and the Arsenal Trophy Cabinet.
Driving back from a match, a Manchester United fan and a Man City fan have a head on crash.
To their amazement, neither is hurt but both cars are totally destroyed.
In celebration of their good luck, they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on.
The Man City fan goes to his wrangled boot and pulls out a 12-year-old Scotch. "May our differences be put to one side," proclaims the City fan as he hands it to the United boy, who swigs half the bottle.
"Will you have a drop yourself?" Asks the United fan. The City fan smiles and says, 'no thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here you git!"