1) A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
2) A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
3) A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
4) A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope
5) A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
6) A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
7) A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby
8) Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
9) Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
10) As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
11) Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke
12) California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
13) Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod
14) Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
15) Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
16) Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis
17) Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
18) Get your facts right first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
19) Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck
20) Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
21) Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
22) He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
23) Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
24) How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
25) I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
26) I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
27) I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King
28) I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
29) I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
30) I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone
31) I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry
32) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
33) I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
34) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
35) I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
36) I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
37) I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
38) I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns
39) I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman
40) I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
41) I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson
42) I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom
43) I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt
44) I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg
45) I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
46) It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
47) It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
48) Money won't buy happiness - so Haliburton executives must be the unhappiest in the world!
Inchcock
49) One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan
50) Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
