20 Typically British Mixed Jokes

Submitted by Inchcock

Thursday, 12 May 2011

1) 7 dwarfs in a shower
There were 7 dwarfs in a shower all feeling happy, but then happy got out so they started feeling grumpy instead!

2) A compliment...
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".....
He never heard the shot!

3) A Perfect Man
Q: What do you call an intellegent, sensitive, and good looking man?
A: A rumour

4) A specific ocean
Q: What did the Atlantic ocean say to the Indian ocean?
A: Try and be more Pacific!

5) Circus
Q: How do you kill a circus?
A: Go for the juggler!!

6) Bigger Breasts?
Doris, is sitting in a bar, and says to her friend that she wants
to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."
Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
The bartender says, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?"
The bartender says, "I don't know, but it sure worked for your

7) Dressing
"I used to dress off the peg, but now my neighbours take in their washing at night."

8) Old Lady & the Busker
Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?
Street Musician: Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.

9) Theft at Euro Disney
There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey

10) Two packets of crisps...
Two packets of crisps were walking along the road. A passing car stopped and the driver asked if they would like a lift.
"No thanks," said the crisps, "we're Walkers.

11) Sane?
Guy Fawkes was the sanest man who ever went into the Houses of Parliament - and look what happened to him.

12) An Essex girl...
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"

13) Lunatics...
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards.
The mans curiosity gets the better of him, and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"

14) Pub Lunch...
Two men went into a pub, ordered two beers, took some sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.
The two men stopped, looked at each other and then swapped their sandwiches.

15) Crafty Copper
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'

16) Definitions:
Denial: A river in Egypt!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
Pessimist: A well-informed optimist!

17) Lady?
"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
"You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"

18) Wording
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

19) Hubby & Wife
Hubby was getting annoyed with waiting and shouted upstairs to his wife, "Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

20) Jim & Eric
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked.
"Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric.
"Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

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