10 Things A Spoof Writer's Cat MUST Know

Submitted by Inchcock

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Cats that live with writers have to be especially creative to run the household they allow the writer to share.

There are two methods that will get you the attention you deserve, you can use either plan:

Be the cutest cat in the world (not difficult but slightly humiliating:


Be the baddest cat in the world (easier and much more satisfying)

I suggest a combination of the two.

1) Get your writer involved in your day first thing in the morning, otherwise, you could starve if they get to the computer first.

2) Set the time you wish to rise and if treading lightly over the body of the sleeping writer does not wake them, proceed to CUTE by giving them a wet cat kiss on the face. They do not like it, but will never get mad because it is such an honour. (This is you at your cutest: use sparingly)

3) If cute doesn't get the writer out of bed you'll have to revert to plan B, and more drastic measures. Proceed to BAD by first running heavily over the writer and finally launching yourself off the body with your FULL weight concentrated on ONE paw in a vital and tender area of the dozing body.

4) Establish an early feeding time, so you can get to the computer to check your email while your writer is busy getting your food. Once it has been served, do not worry about it unless there are (god forbid) other animals in your house. Do your computer stuff while you have the chance, if there is nothing happening on the net, now would be the time to curl up on the computer chair and start your first nap of the day.

5) If you have trained your writer properly, they will hesitate before removing your sleeping body from the chair. They may, however, want to get started on the computer, and if you've trained them right, will gently carry you over to your food dish.

6) As they are setting you down, do a quick inspection of your eating area, making sure your place-mat is clean, and your water dish is full. If not, insert a paw into the water dish and QUICKLY dump all the water out onto the floor. Try to do this right away before your writer gets back to the computer. Look VERY cute as you do it.

7) Try to look sorry. Lowering the ears and looking up with neck held back usually works here. If they just step over the water on the way back to the computer, proceed to plan B and throw a hissy fit. This involves meowing sorrowfully and loudly, you cannot stop until the writer returns and cleans your eating area. Any creative hissies that you have used in the past can come into play here.

8) Once your writer is preoccupied with the computer, you have the run of the house to do whatever you need to. They will never notice as long as you don't knock anything over too loudly. Have fun, enjoy!

9) When you decide the weather is just right and you want to go outside, if your writer is ignoring you, go over and do the cute attention getters: patting the thigh with a sheathed paw. Meow pitifully next to the chair without let-up if the thigh pat doesn't work. Proceed to plan B only when all your cutest attempts have failed.
Plan B: This could be Accidentally releasing a claw or two with the thigh pat, staring threateningly at the writer with a low growl or jumping up on their lap and typing on the keyboard. This is a surefire let-me-outside-NOW attention grabber.

10) Once you are outdoors, you may feel bored or lonely, and want your writer to come out to sit and watch you or even to play with you. This is a very difficult problem. First, you have to get their attention. Cute does not work here at all. You have to resort to instinctive behaviour here and hang out at the bird feeder. As soon as you have stirred up all the birds, making them chirp noisily to attract your writers attention, you can proceed to plan C.
Plan C: Either grab a bird to play with, (this GUARANTEES the swift arrival of your writer) or just sit looking cute. Either way, you have their attention and can proceed to the next step:
Getting back into the house is something you want to do very quickly. If there is no bird feeder and no birds around you'll have to skip cute and go right to plan D:
Plan D: Scratching on the door. Due to heavy concentration on your writers part though, it may take several attempts to train your writer. If scratching doesn't do it you'll have to scratch down the door. They will act very quickly to let you in once you have ruined the paintwork or PVC. After a drastic measure like this you must be at your Cutest for at least half an hour.
It's a hardship, but they'll get over the damage quicker if you become irresistible.

There are some writers who don't care about scratched doors, in this case you will have to jump up and hang on the window frame nearest their computer, yowling like you can't get open.
The writer will finally come out and get you off if you can keep it up long enough.

Important: And this is very important, on those rare occasions that you can get rid of your writer, (most of them at least have to go out to do the shopping), be sure you make yourself unavailable when they are leaving. Find the highest perch in the house and get up there. If you lay there quietly they may not see you and will leave without bothering you or putting you outside. If they do see you, refuse to come down - They will give up, they always leave everything to the last minute, so won't have time to climb up to get you. On the rare occasions if they do climb up, jump down just as they get there and head out FAST to your most secure hiding place - Good luck!

Author: Judy Justice Creative Pursuits

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