Selection of 10 Smoking Jokes

Submitted by Inchcock

Sunday, 9 January 2011

1) The quickest way to make a red light turn green is to go searching for your cigarette lighter in the glove compartment.

2) The none-smoking wife said to her husband; "You know Mark, you don't actually smoke.
The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"

3) "It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."

4) Smoking can in fact be good for you.
At university we conducted a simple experiment.
We took 20 live worms and divided them into two groups of 10.
We then placed one group into a glass of pure drinking water and one group into a glass of water through which we filtered the smoke from a packet of B&H Extra Milds.
The worms in the drinking water lived for 7 days, but the worms in the smokey water died an agonising death in less than 30 minutes, proving that if you smoke, you won't get worms...

5) Smoking can in fact also be bad for you.
Tobacco drieth the brain, dimmeth the sight, vitiateth the smell, hurteth the stomach, destroyeth the concoction, disturbeth the humors and spirits, corrupteth the breath, induceth a trembling of the limbs, exsiccateth the windpipe, lungs, and liver, annoyeth the milt, scorcheth the heart, and causeth the blood to be adjusted.
Tobias Venner, (1577-1660). Bloomsbury book of quotations.

6) Really Corny One Here...
Three people are in a lifeboat, adrift at sea. They have four cigarettes, but no matches or lighters. How can they each smoke a cigarette?

Answer: throw one cigarette overboard, which will make the boat a cigarette lighter.(Ohh!)

7) Girlfriend Smoking?
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

8) Two Old Ladies....
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, each having a smoke of a Camel cigarette, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Mildred: "What's that?"
Florence: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Mildred: "Where did you get it?"
Florence: "You can get them at any chemisy."

The next day ... Mildred hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Mildred: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

9) Smoker Arrested
This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a fired-arm in public!

10) New Year Resolution:
A young man at a New Years party turned to his friend and asked him for a cigarette.

"I thought you made a New Years resolution to quit smoking," said his friend.

"I'm in the process of quitting," the man replied, "Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."

"What's phase one?'" asked his friend.

"Iv'e quit buying them!"

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