Lawyer Jokes 21 - 30

Submitted by Inchcock

Saturday, 8 January 2011

21) The Bull:
Two people were fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail, the other was pulling on the horns.

Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

22) When to charge?:
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function, is it really acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day the lawyer sent his bill to the doctor.

23) Two plus two:
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After searching Google, and making many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

24) Satan begs God:
Satan was crying to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes.

Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break.

Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so it was, God created lawyers.

25) Terrorists hijack Lawyers:
A plane full of lawyers was hijacked?

They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

26) True statement:
Changing your lawyer in the middle of a court case is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

27) Ideal weight:
What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?

Ten pounds - but that includes the urn.

28) The Teacher, Binman, and Lawyer:
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question correctly.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?"
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odours that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the Titanic?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.
"1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer... "Name them."

29) The difference..:
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.

30) Charges:
A new client had just come in to see a lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge £300 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it may be", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

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