1) A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's chest wall.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
2) Doctor: One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal fart."
3) Doctor: I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left."
Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked - he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.