Alaska village for Sale.

Submitted by slflyinghorse

Tuesday, 29 November 2005

For Sale to good Villager

One (1) small remote Native Alaskan village for sale by resident who's had enough BS from the various Tribal Administrators, Council leaders AND the office Janitor.

The cost to you is a tank of gas for me, Get me outta here!!

I must warn you that you need a good vehicle, preferably a 4wheel drive truck.

I barely got my Nissa out of the Village in one piece and I destroyed my Chevy Silverado long-bed hauling fuel heating oil one winter and hauling kids to the Lake to swim one summer.

Get a CDL so you can drive a cement truck or even better; a Tank.

Village Measurements; 7 miles long x 2 miles wide, but enough about my Nose and the Council Chiefs daughter!

Pop; 182.7 people. 4 sled dog yards at 27.9 dogs each. 6 stray cats, 4 caged birds and 3 chickens.

Economy; Ha!! That's a good one.

-16 husbands (or LiveIns) are up on the Northslope 10 months out of the year. The OTHER 2 months they're away from the Village (out of spite) to work trainings or else binge drinking.

-Village PFD payments each year. This might explain the yearly vacations to Hawaii or Vegas, as well as accounting for Everyone trading in new vehicles for Newer ones every 6 months.

I dunno-It's just a wild ass guess.

Another form of local economy and often the Only viable one.

-Leeching off the local Public Safety Officer, Oh. BTW. Don't worry about a job. YOU will be the next VPSO.

You won't have to worry about food, lodging or boredom.

-the Local school also boosts the Village economy; apply to UAA or UAF distance learning to earn your fully credentialed Teaching Certs while you're in the Village too.

As you'll be in the local school no less than 6 hours a day whether you like it or not! Checking up on the wife (any jr or sr girl you pick) & kids (K-4 grades).

Might as well make your stay in school a productive one. I earned a couple of extra Grand a month doing this.

-Grant Writing. Boosts the economy too but only the local Village council and the top Leaders will reap the perks & benes of your hard earned funds finding. Don't count on seeing a penny.

You'll work with top of the line towers & monitors and other A/V equipment doing this work.

-Bootlegging. The most popular way to go. This practice is endorsed Statewide!

The locals earn up to 6 figures a year preying on each others Thirst. You'll have a foot in the door as you'll be hunting down bootleggers and drug runners to confiscate their stashes and if you're smart. You'll rollover your inventory quick!

This is also a good opportunity to bone up on Meth making Detection and Lab confiscation.

-And of course subsistence. As the parents, older brothers & sisters, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and Children of the local girl you shack up with will want to EAT! And they'll be looking to you.

You're hunting skills will be legendary and if you spend your $ wisely, your weapons will be state of the art.

My hunting skills aren't highly coveted, but hey. I can track a mosquito and a rumor like no one else.

-the Internet. Harem the cute village girls around and claim a spot on the Web with cam and pic pay sites. This is an untapped market just waiting to go BUST!!

Village Ammenities.

-4,000' airstrip to patrol and intercept contraband shipments.

-1.5 mile long river front adjacent to the Village where contraband shipments by boat can be had.

And in the winter, you can use a snow machine to patrol the adjacent; clamping down with an iron fist against compet... heh heh.

I mean, looking after the Welfare and Safety of your Villagers.

-Instant credit and priority pay check cashing at the General Store. You even get to skip to the front of the line! (though I used to walk, I looked pretty stupid skipping in uniform).

-One road in / one road out of town.

Road patrols and checkpoints are No Hassles!

I'll provide maps and log books for you to pre-plan your contraband intercepts.

-Lodge quarters.

Spacious digs in the palatial 3 story world reknowned "theVillage Lodge."

No need to make your bed or clean your room EVER! But you will have to wake up the babes that slept over the night before and kick 'em out before Housekeeping comes by.

Plus many more Pros and a whole lotta Cons too numerous to mention.

BTW, speaking of Cons. You'll be supervising a dozen Sex Offenders, 3 dozen juvies and a whole pickup load of kids. Can you handle that?

$50 firm

Contact theSam!! if interested.

Expect to get bribed, coaxed, cajoled and pressured in various ways as various Alliances in theVillage attempt to sway your opinion on things.

The real gems will come knocking on your door for extended visits and will have home cooked foods in their hands.

I couldn't find any cute Sled dog pics to post but if you can imagine hearing squealing grunts and yelps at your Lodge door one cold Winter night you'll understand how I got "Maggie".

I was vehemently set upon getting a cute kitten but fate blessed me with fleas.

Fate will also bless you with bruises and welts, not from the wrath of your girlfriends and Wife, but from the blessed touch of whichever Granma you piss off at the time.

Cheer up though, these old Ladies will prepare you for the Extended Baton beatings you'll get at the Academy and for the inevitable moments you upset your mother-in-law too.

All interested applicants must be in excellent physical condition, as after 2.5 yrs in theVillage you'll look like this!

(Full pictures with Text available elsewhere on the Net. You just have to look!)

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