Russell Brand - My Fake Diary

Monday, 23 July 2012

Dear Diary -

I want to explain the real reason why I decided to divorce Katy Perry.

I have great big eyes and they can be a bit scary at times, but Katy has humongous eyes and when she gets angry they seem to grow even bigger like ping pong balls.

And on several occasions when I had been hitting the bottle a bit, she would become angry and stare at me with those gigantic eyes and it would literally scare the hell out of me.

In fact, the last time, which was two days before I filed for divorce, her eyes got so big that I could not sleep at all that night.

I finally got up and called my therapist who told me to count sheep. I told the silly old coot that we don't have any sheep.

He laughed so hard he said he had to hang up the phone and run to the little boys room.