Ray Mears - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Been offered a stay in Channel 4's Big Brother house in the New Year.

Basic appearance fee sound okay to my agent but a bit of a weird contract they are offering.

I've got to pledge not to hunt, trap or cannibalise any of the other contestants.

Worse, they want me to live off food out of cupboards in the kitchen and the regular types of shit people have in their fridges.

No eating the BB house cat or the budgie, or the goldfish. No munching on the house plants, or eating stuff out of the garden.

Can you imagine: me stuck in there with a bunch of arrogant, bubble-headed dog-wankers, all suffering from the celebrity ego syndrome.

It would do my head in a coupla days and I'd end up doing a Hannibal Lecter on the lot.

Bit of fantasy moment here: just think if I did do it, can you imagine the mass murder trial?

"And how did the big fat slug from East Enders taste, Mr. Mears?"

"A bit like chicken, M'Lord." Worra a laugh that would be.

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