Noel Edmonds - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Dear diary,

today was terrible!

I had to continue pretending to be nice to an old lady on deal or no deal. I just wanted to push her off her chair and jump into the audience, the Banker helped me remain calm.

The banker has always been so good to me. he doesn't laugh at me, he gives me treats and doesn't point and laugh at me like everyone else.

On the train a child kept staring at me. Children are not my audience! Why was he looking at me? he should know i hate children. The people at channel 4 make sure children don't go near me because they know about my anger.

I had too much cash in my pockets again and couldn't walk properly so had to go to Harrods. I fell over in Harrods. Some people laughed at me, i hissed at them and nearly scratched a woman, they moved away. I decided to buy some Caviar so i could throw it at people and run away. The police don't bother me anymore. When i got home, i decided to wear one of my motorbike helmets and crash my Jaguar into a care home. I missed it and hit a primary school.

I better go now, thanks for listening, the banker never listens or gives me treats i hate him