Jesus - My Fake Diary

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Dear Diary,

Well, I finally moved out. Dad wasn't really sure about letting me go off to some strange place to live and study, but I promised him I'd be good and wouldn't get into any trouble.

Dad refered me to rent a room with a couple in Israel, a carpeter and his wife. They seemed alright with taking me in. The nosy neighbors kept asking them where I'd come from as I don't really look much like old Joseph or Mary. After awhile, they just started making stuff up. My favorite is the one where they claimed Mary was a virgin when she was impregnated by God and gave birth to me in a manger. Considering my room was next to theirs, I kind of doubt the whole virgin thing by all the nightime activities still going on in there. I can believe the stable thing, as their place was starting to look like one with nobody doing much to keep the place tidy.

I stayed with them the first semester, but moved out to try to find myself. I hooked up with a couple guys named Peter and Paul. They are thinking of starting a candy bar company and making "Mounds" and "Almond Joy". Speaking of hooking, nice mounds and giving my almonds joy - we met this hot hippie chic named Mary Magdeline who has been a sort of shared girlfriend for us. She aspires to be a singer, and Peter and Paul have told her they might do a little gig now and then on the evenings and weekends to earn a bit of start-up capital for the candy thing.

We were planning on having a huge house party after mid-terms in the Spring but were a bit low on sheqels. So, my friends and I devised some ideas on how to earn some serious dough. One of us would pretend to be afflicted with something like leprosy, demonic possession or halitosis, and I'd pretend to heal them. The crowds would ooh and awe, and toss us a few coins.

Once we even made a pretty good haul stealing from the money changers. I created a diversion by playing all indignant about them being in the temple. I was like, "Yo man, get outta my temple." They were like "well why don't you make me". So I was like "well maybe I will." I started turning over the tables and money was spilling all over the place. My gang were all pretending to help the lenders collect the coins, while stuffing as much into their pockets as they put back on the tables.

Well, we got enough money together for the party, and what a shindig it was. We had lots of tuna on crackers for the whole gang. Unfortunately, some of the fraternities started crashing the party and we were really starting to run low on tuna and crackers. I kept sending Thomas to the store to get more food. I tried asking some of the others, but each time Matthew, Mark and Luke had to go to the john. Somehow, between the money we had acquired and what we were able to dig out from between the sofa cushions and the ashtray in Thomas' buggy we were able to get enough provisions to feed everyone. I was pretty sure we'd pull it off alright, but Thomas had his doubts.

I and my gang were really starting to make a name for ourselves about the campus and town, and probably would have kept it up much longer if it wasn't for a guy named Caeser. He was head of the campus ROTC and team captain for our gladiatorial team. I hate jocks and spoiled rich kids, and he was both. He wanted to be the big man on campus, and I was supposedly stealing his thunder.

We butted heads a few times, but it was never real serious. Then one night, I sneaked into his frat house and secretly refilled all the pepper shakers in their lunchroom with shaving stubble. I won't tell you what I used to refill their coffee creamer. Suffice it to say I had blisters on both hands by the end of the night.

Apparently, my prank had left a bad taste in his mouth, and while he couldn't prove it, he suspected I was the culprit. I decided to go camping with the guys for the weekend to let Caeser have some time to cool his heels. Unfortunately, we had left one of our pledges, a guy named Judas, back at the house to do our homework. Caeser's buddies evidently wedgied him pretty good, because he not only told them where I was camping and showed them to where I was, but they got him to kiss me on the lips in front of the other guys. He then yelled, "I kissed a guy and I liked it!"

Caeser's buddies took me and hauled me off. They locked me in their basement for a bit while they debated on what to do. There was a little half window too small to crawl out of, but I called out to a kid I knew and sent him to tell my father to come get me. About an hour later, the guy came by and told me that my Dad was entertainig guests and I'd have to just apologize to Caesar and take care of things by myself. "Father, why hast thou forsaken me," I cursed at the news.

Well, Caeser and his gang of G.I. Judaens came back and beat me up pretty good. The blisters on my hands had popped and were bleeding pretty profusely. My feet were bleeding too from where some jackass stomped them with his soccer cleats. They dragged me across the campus and hung me on the flagpole. I knew they were angry with me, but boy did they really crucify me for that prank. This was the end of a not so good Friday.

On Sunday, Mary Magdeline walked into my room and helped me relieve some of my stressful weekend with a nice hand job. As my erection took form she said "Jesus has risen." I gave her and knowing wink and replied, "Risen indeed!"

I dropped out of school entirely that Monday and moved on to shack up with Mary Magdeline. I'm not sure who put the idea in the other guys heads to write a bunch of stories about our adventures. Boy did those guys have a gift for exaggeration. If I had known their book would have done so well, I would have tried to sue for my share of the royalties. Then again, that would have let everyone know I was alive and the book probably would have been a flop.

Well dear diary, that's all for now. I'll come again to wrte more soon.

Previous Dates Next Dates

« Full list of Spoof Celebrity Diaries

Send to a friend

Tell your friends about The Spoof!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more