Adolf Hitler - My Fake Diary

Friday, 5 July 2013

Yes, I'm a germ. A bacteria. That's the best I could do in the afterlife. I shouldn't have killed millions in my life as a mustached, little-big man. Listen to me, all you unbelievers: There is a God and He's one really mean Son of a Bitch! Reincarnation is real. No heaven or hell for me. I saw God and He told me in not so many words that after I've lived and died as a germ at least 30 million times, He might reincarnate me as an ant, maybe even a grasshopper. Same horrible food chain, bigger stakes, that's all. But right now I'm stuck in this toilet in Munich; and it's no fun inside here with an entire legion of other germs. Those hydras are hell on wheels! Nasty, horrible, apex predators of the germ world. One of them attacked me today. I barely got away with my life! Oh, oh no! That big fat guy who just dumped a load is flushing the toilet! Those big brown turds are as big as the Alps. From my point of view, even a guppy in this bowl would be 100 times bigger than a sperm whale. Oh! Oh no! I'm going down the pipe! That sewer is dark and horrible! Who knows what kind of microscopic creatures are down there! Probably hydras with big tentacles and mouths that will suck me up! Oh! Oh no! I'm going down, down, down! This is horrible and terrifying! Be good to your fellow man. I know you'd never expect to hear that from Adolf Hitler, but you never want to experience the likes of this! God's one really mean Son of a Bitch! When He says "Vengeance is Mine," He really, really means it!