This is a list of the things we would like to hear from our president, but will likely never.
1. Honestly, I did not realize how in the sh** we were until I swore in--and the first thing I noticed was that my wife's rack and upper arms were more famous than my record. I mean, how screwed up was THAT?
2. And speaking of rack and arms, my definition of rack and arms at the time I took office was what was on the back of pickup trucks the world over--and it was something I thought needed to be legislated or ordered out of existence.
3. I always knew guns didn't kill people.
4. I know nothing about how to save money.
5. I know even less than nothing about the Fed.
6. I hate to tan.
7. I hate even more to wax.
8. My family was the blended Brady Bunch. We were a model UN. We even had the fights to prove it.
9. I love my daughters, but I'm still secretly hoping for a son.
10. I authorized and expanded the NSA because, face it--your lives are WAY more interesting than ours, and I have to keep hundreds of bored, immature fratboys busy.