Dave Barry wrote a book about bad songs.
Fully 2/3rds of the songs he writes about are songs that I love.
Dave Barry is now on my excrement list.
First off, let me explain who Dave Barry is.
Dave Barry is a comic god.
Not a comic genius. Not a comic professional. Not a comic expert.
A comic god.
Let's get that straight right from the beginning.
I know he looks pretty geeky for someone who is supposed to be a god, but that is just the way it is.
I didn't say a god of war or a god of hunting or a god needing bloody sacrifices.
I said a god of comedy. You have to cut even the gods some slack with that one.
When I was younger I revered Dave Barry.
He was the funniest guy period.
No one else came close.
Except Gary Larson with The Far Side.
But that is a different story.
I aspired to write like Dave Barry. I based my whole writing style like his.
I didn't succeed.
As you can see.
I had an alter in my closet to Dave Barry. I used to leave exotic fruits before it as an offering.
They would rot and attract ants and bugs. So I sacrificed ants and bugs to him as well.
Now that I've read this alleged book of his I use it to scare rodents away from my garden.
I was going to have myself cloned to be like Dave Barry.
But the cloning guy said that when they made Dave Barry they broke the mold.
I don't know quite how he meant that. It could have been for any number of reasons.
But it was a huge disappointment for me.
My Dave Barry-esque writing never went anywhere. So I became more of an jerkass writer. Then it went somewhere. So here I am today on the pages of this website/magazine.
QUIT SNICKERING! That part wasn't intended to be funny!
Actually, you people are reading a humor website/magazine at this moment.
You should already know who Dave Barry is. If you don't, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
GET OUT OF MY ARTICLE THIS MINUTE! GO! NOW!
I won't have ignoramuses reading my stuff!
The book is titled 'Dave Barry's Book Of Bad Songs'. Now I know that this is a book that is already 12 years old.
That doesn't matter. The Bible is 5,000 years old and it is still influential.
In the first three pages of it he mocks three famous songs. All three are songs that I love- I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, Horse With No Name and Young Girl. I know the lyrics to all three songs and can do a real decent job on singing them.
(Would you like me to sing them for you? No? OK, be that way.)
Three pages into the book and I am already livid. And that is only the preface.
One thing to remember is that this book was written by a man who made his own rock group that included Stephen King (Yes, that Stephen King, the one who wrote Carrie and The Shining). Should anyone even LISTEN to a man writing about bad songs when he makes a rock group with Stephen King in it? Especially if they name it the 'Rock Bottom Remainders'?
Let's go over some of these 'Bad Songs':
MacArthur Park- OK, granted, some parts of it are strange and corny, but the overall feeling it presents is one of great loss and it is poetically done and powerful. Let's not nit-pick Dave!
My Way- Sinatra's signature song. If he were around he'd punch you in the nose for that Dave!
So would all of his 50 megatrillion fans, even if they are all on Medicare by now.
In The Year 2525- THAT IS THE SONG NAME I USE FOR MY EMAIL ADDRESS YOU
*^%&#@ CAD!!!!!!!!!! That shows how much I like it! The most innovative, clever, fore- seeingly imaginative song that whole year, which is more than I can say about the two pages he wrote mocking it.
25 or 6 to 4- Only the most famous song Chicago ever put out. Only one of the most famous guitar riffs in tall of rock and roll history. Could you, Mr. Smarty-pants and Stephen do it justice? I think you both would dork it up real good, quite frankly!
Tie A Yellow Ribbon- I would just tie you to a tree with a yellow ribbon and let the millions of people who can relate so strongly to this song after returning home from an excruciating experience let you know their feelings on you bashing this beloved tune, David.
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald- Only a unique song about a famous maritime disaster on the most deadly body of water in the world that gives a chillingly original sense of the what it is like to be at sea in dangerous circumstances and conveys the emotions of the people they left behind. Let's go ahead and trample all over their hurt, Mr. Minstrel Know-It-All!
The Wind Beneath My Wings- Yeah, let's make fun of one of the most inspirational, beautiful works of thankfulness and love in the English language. You're right Dave, nobody should write songs about that. Yeah, we should just stick to sex, drugs and rock and roll and other such inspiring drivel.
In A Gadda Da Vida- Dave, how often do you get a drummer doing a 5 minute solo that goes viral (admittedly in the days before virality)? You are treading on holy ground here Dave! Even the Simpsons did a tribute to it (www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PyBWLALFLQ? )
OK, let's take a breather for a minute..............good, that's long enough.
From that point on the great Davido goes on to slam Taxi (by Harry Chapin), Stairway to Heaven, Layla, Free Bird, American Pie, Whiter Shade of Pale and Another Brick in the Wall.
Hmmm...... Any rock and roller with an ounce of non-drug tainted blood in him should LOVE these songs. These are not only the classics, they are the gold standards of their era. I think this looks suspiciously like Mr. Barry is not a real lover of true American classic music like he pretends to be. He is actually an agent of the North Koreans bent on breaking our spirit by destroying the foundation of our present society- rock music. Just like we did to the Indians when we forbid their Spirit dances, drumming and ceremonies, the Communists know that if they successfully pull rock and roll out from under our feet that our whole society will immediately collapse (or at least that part of it which runs east of the Mississippi and north of the Mason-Dixon line.) You BASTARD, Dave Barry! I always thought you looked too squeaky clean to be for real!
Mr. Barry thereafter goes on to throw mud upon what he considers 'weenie music' including such lovely songs as Elusive Butterfly, Precious and Few, Alone Again Naturally, just about every song I have in my collection and everything John Denver ever made (John Denver could beat you to a pulp in an arm wrestling contest any day, Dave!)
He also trounces Running Bear and Little White Dove.....OK, wait a minute...I hate that song too. Forget that one. But he does denounce Good Morning Starshine which, although it does have a jibberishish chorus line, does sparkle and shine and is one of my most beloved to sing. I will even don hippie clothes to enhance the effect.
So, in closing, (STOP YELLING 'YAY' AND CLAPPING, DAMN IT!) I wish to say that I hope that Mr. Barry doesn't plan on writing any more books like this (although I must say there is plenty of material to use since the last ones publication including a huge stockpile of rap music that badly needs to be exposed for what it is and disinfected.).
Meanwhile, using the old sage adage 'An eye for an eye' let me say that I am writing an article about 'Dave Barry's Bad Songs That He Himself Performs. I am not one to threaten, but I will be inflicting that same article upon this website/magazine in the near future. I know that is cold-hearted and merciless after presenting this War and Peace-esque size article, but no one ever said journalism was necessarily a compassionate profession.
Stay tuned for 'Return To Dave Barry's Book Of Bad Songs' in which I skewer his own band and Stephen King, Leslie Gore and Amy Tan to boot!- Just when you thought it was safe to return to this humor site!!!!!!'
Yes, I am just mean enough to do it. And I don't care if the NSA does find out about it.