Tiny Irish rock knob-head Bono, 3' 4", has sensationally reformed Girls Aloud he said today, from his castle in Switzerland.
The U2 frontman has taken full responsibility for the girl bands reformation, telling reporters that he should now be officially treated like a God, as he is all powerful.
The group, who feature Cheryl Cole and some other people (one of whom is ginger and very pale) split up two years ago when one of them left the toilet seat up on the tour bus. Cole went on to be an X-Factor host, but after being sacked for being unintelligible she pursued a solo career. The other members appeared in weekly magazines, mainly going in and coming out of various places.
Bono is said to be delighted with the news that he single-handedly 'put the band back together', and is claiming 50% royalties on any monies the ladies make in future publishing deals. The money will go to one of Bono's extensive charitable funds, after the usual administration costs have been deducted, of course!
A spokesman from the Girls Aloud camp told us 'Bono who? Oh, that short, detestable little munchkin from that shit 80's band? Yeah, I remember him!'
Bono was unavailable for further comment as he was torching a small African village to make way for a new transport route for his charity Red.