Written by dalepetrie
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Topics: Ugly, Iowa

Thursday, 22 January 2004

image for Dean Beats Kerry to Bloody Pulp in Row Over Iowa Loss
Kerry, nearly unrecognizable after beating.

Portsmouth, NH Things got ugly on the campaign trail today when previous front-runner (and current underdog after last Monday's Iowa Caucus) Howard Dean, beat the living tar out of his opponent, John Kerry.

Tensions had been mounting between the two men for several months on the campaign trail, but reached a fever pitch after Dean, who was expected to easily carry Iowa, suddenly started to lose ground to Kerry with frightening speed.

When the smoke had cleared, Kerry emerged with a first place win, gaining 20 percentage points more than third placed Dean in the final Iowa tally. This did not sit well with Dean, who gave a raving speech to his supporters regarding his upcoming travel plans, before boarding a plane to New Hampshire for next Tuesday's Primary.

All seven major candidates have been campaigning in New Hampshire since Monday night, and each has been making statements and placing advertisements to attack the other. On seeing a commercial placed by rival Kerry, which seemed to indicate that Dean might be gay, and certainly his breath smelled bad, Dean was fuming. Unfortunately for Kerry, mere minutes after seeing this ad, well before Dean had a chance to calm down, Dean spotted Kerry on the street shaking hands with supporters. Dean made a mad dash to the sidewalk below and confronted Kerry.

"A bad breath rank out? C'mon horseface, is that the best you can do," shouted Dean.

"No, the best I can do is yo mama…I did her twice last night," retorted Kerry.

At that, Dean lost what little cool he had left and flew at Kerry with a left hook that would have made Ali proud. Kerry tried to defend himself, throwing a few dirty kidney punches, but he was no match for the spitfire Dean. Dean pummeled Kerry mercilessly, screaming such inanities as "win this!" and "I'll caucus you upside the head, frat boy."

Kerry could not be reached for comment, and given his missing teeth and swollen jaw, his comments would probably be incoherent at best anyway. In Dean's camp however, his campaign manager, Joe Trippi, had this to say, "There were 3 tickets out of Iowa as I said before. Our ticket is to the White House, Edwards' ticket is to Has Been City, and Kerry's is to Painsville, USA."

When asked for comment, current President George W. Bush said he would immediately add the two men, and the entire Democratic Party to his Axis of Evil.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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