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Saturday, 16 February 2008

image for Bridgend Suicides Linked To Torchwood
Alien Hangings Have Tripled Since Torchwood Aired

The sudden inexplicable glut of teen suicides in the tiny Welsh Village of Bridgend has been linked with the dire "Sci-Fi" series Torchwood, set in Wales.

The desparately unentertaining series which concentrates on sex, homosexual snogging and aliens was filmed in Cardiff town centre on a Saturday night and stars slobbering, pointy-toothed, greasy, snarling aliens and John Barrowman.

Welsh police are working on the theory that kids in Wales not only have nothing to live for, but are being ridiculed by the daft series being filmed on their doorsteps. A recent investigation revealed that 97% of the population of Wales had at some point inadvertantly been filmed for the Torchwood series, particulary drunken, slobbering, pointy-toothed, greasy, snarling teenagers.

Faced with the prospect of appearing on national T.V alongside John Barrowman, many teens are opting out in a literal sense. Welsh councillor Glynn "off Big Brother" today hit out at the series, "Although most of the aliens do speak Welsh, the series "Torchwood" or "Pobl y Crap" in Welsh, is not representative of Wales. We need the BBC to axe Torchwood now for the sake of our future and our children." Glynn later went on to say that he was lucky that he managed to get into a decent show like Big Brother before Torchwood came along. "It could've been me", he sobbed, "playing tonsil-hockey with John Barrowman in a cameo appearance."

The BBC are said to be considering writing the Bridgend tragedy into a Torchwood script to boost flagging viewing figures, but so far have been unable to find enough of an "adult content" angle to the story.

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