Written by Jesus Budda
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Friday, 15 February 2008

image for Woman Trapped in Elevator with Worlds most Boring Man and Worlds most Smelly Bastard
18 storeys up with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide - what do you do, man, what do you do?

Chicago woman, Olivia Fischer, has survived the worst nite of her life after becoming trapped in an elevator with, not one, but two world record holders.

"I was making my way home from the office just like usual", said a tired and distressed Ms. Fischer as she spoke while recovering from the comfort of her bedside today, "I was gonna take the stairs but I'm a fat bastard so I decided to grab the elevator down instead. Worst idea of my life".

It was 7pm and most of her work colleagues had already left. Olivia heard the ding of the elevator and stepped into a 'world of hurt'.

"There were two guys already inside. One was talking to the other. Nothing seemed strange - at first", said Olivia, "but after a few seconds I realized that these two didn't know each other. In fact, one guy was actually turning his back away and covering his ears".

"Then the talkative guy turned to me and started making small talk. About the origin of electric egg timers. I smiled politely but he kept on talking absolute bolloxs."

It was around this point that Olivia's nightmare became much, much worse as the building suffered a power blackout.

"The elevator stopped abruptly and the emergency lights came on but the talky guy just kept on jabbering on about currency conversion in Costa Rica and the evolution of underwear elastic in 14th century Spain", said Olivia, "but by then I had began to notice theā€¦smell.

"The other guy had farted", winced Olivia, still clearly disturbed, "and then again. And again. And again. I'm telling you, the guy was uncontrollable. And they weren't just silent and violent. These sucka's were loud and proud monsters. Fetid, putrid ass trumpets."

Eventually power was restored and rescuers freed Olivia - after 14 torturous hours.

"From now on I'll take the stairs. It's worth running the junkie gauntlet that is, just to avoid the elevator horror show I've just survived", said Olivia.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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