European scientists prove that eating pies is good for your sex life

Scientists in Utrecht in The Netherlands have discovered that eating pastry products can greatly increase virility, decrease the chances of heart disease and give a feeling of general well-being.

Dr Strabismus, whom God preserve of Utrecht, told the world's press. "Pies, it's all down to pies: pork pies, potato pies, meat, apple. It doesn't matter what it is, just get it down yer f*****g necks as fast as you can. The more the better, as far as my colleagues and I are concerned. Forget all that bollocks about eating all that healthy stuff. It's all shit, I tell you, shit. Stuff yourself full of pastry products and you will live until you are a hundred, and be shagging yourself silly into the bargain."

Dr Stabismus, at twenty five stones is a living indictment of his advice. During the five minute interview he ate four steak pies, an apple turnover and a mars bar en cruet. Not only that, but he performed full sex twice, oral sex once and even had time for a quick w**k.

This reporter for one was highly impressed, and is off to get himself a couple Greggs Pasties.

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