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Friday, 6 November 2009

image for Parents to be given compulsory sex lessons
Just one of the techniques from the booklet

In a reversal of government policy, sex education lessons are to be given to parents.

Education Minister Ed Balls proposed the idea after realising that, as a parent, he simply wasn't getting any.

Balls, who is married to Cabinet colleague Yvette Cooper, discovered that after a full day's faff in the corridors of power, he was often too tired to prise open his wife's red box.

He told friends: "It simply isn't good enough. The only shafting I get is when the guv'nor gives me a bollocking. Some advice on putting it right is desperately needed."

It is believed that the new policy grew out of Balls' frustration.

Now, in new legislation, parents will: "...attend compulsory sex education lessons on what to do with those bits of flesh dangling underneath their stomachs. Guidance on technique and position will be key."

Some MPs however were up in arms.

Tory stalewart Anne Widdicome stormed: "This is an outrage. What next? How to give pleasure to one's cat? What sort of message is this sending to our youth - that it's OK for parents to have sex? The idea is utterly absurd."

Gordon Brown however has backed the new bill.

In Prime Minister's Question Time, Brown stated: "I want to see British sex for British parents. It's the prudent way to ensure we remain fiscal."

A booklet entitled Parents: You Too Can Have Sex will be sent to all households in a clear cover. And an interactive website will go live this week.

For parents who aren't on-line, a hotline will also be launched. 01234 56689 will cost £1.75p per minute from most landlines.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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