The following is a transcript of the reporting of a sexual assault allegedly committed by comedian Andy Dick. Reader discretion is advised.
VICTIM: "I need to report a sexual battery."
POLICE: "OK, sir. We're here to help. What happened"
VICTIM: "I was attacked in the face by Andy's Dick."
POLICE: "Oh, I am so sorry. Right. What did he attack you with?"
VICTIM: "Andy's Dick."
POLICE: "Right, I got it. Andy Dick? What. Did. He. Hit. You. With?"
VICTIM: "Andy's Dick!"
POLICE: "Right, the comedian. What did Andy Dick hit you with?"
VICTIM: "Andy's Dick! Andy's Dick!"
POLICE: "So, it was Andy Dick's dick?"
VICTIM: "Yes! Finally, yes!
POLICE: "OK. So what did he hit you with?"
VICTIM: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
