HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Kirstie Alley who has ballooned up to 413 pounds says that she has tried to lose weight, but it seems that when she loses two pounds she gets so excited and celebrates by eating and ends up gaining three pounds.
Alley who has been blamed for several earthquakes including one in Chicago says that she has learned to take the mean remarks in stride. She says that sticks and stones can break her bones but words can never hurt her.
She paused for a moment and then adds unless those words say things like "Kirstie looks like Wynonna Judd except that Judd can sing," or "Kirstie looks like Sherri Shepherd except that Sherri is black," or "Kirstie is so fat that she makes Oprah Winfrey look downright anorexic."
Ms. Alley did point out that she hates that scrawny little twat-looking Andy Dick. She said he asked her if he could park his convertible in her uterus.
Kirstie says that if she ever sees the little 98-pound faggot she will grab him and use him as a tampon.
Alley says that she has been offered several very nice roles including the lead opposite Mel Gibson but it meant that she would have to lose 250 pounds by May 1.
SIDENOTE: Kirstie did want to put to rest the rumor that said that her gardener Claudio told the media that he lost his wristwatch in her (blank). Kirstie said that she never even took off her panties so there was no way in the world that Claudio could have lost his wristwatch in her vagina.