Written by Spunk Macnamara
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Thursday, 20 March 2008

Are you a politician who's gotten into just a little bit of trouble? Are you frustrated because you and your attorney can't get on the same page because you got on the wrong page? Tired of having to think up an excuse at the last second? Well, worry no more, because The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator is here.

Don't end up having to throw your excuses together at the last minute in haphazard fashion. Be prepared!

Just choose what you've been accused of, insert the proper information using our exclusive "fill in the blank" technology, and voila, The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator does the rest!

With The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator, you get excuses for 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups. Yes, you heard it right, 199 different crimes, misdemeanors and morally questionable slip-ups - for only $9,999.95!

For the price of the first 10 minutes of a re-election fundraiser, you get quality blame deflecting press releases that can either be faxed or e-mailed to the media, or read at a press conference.

Here's just one example of what you get when you order The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator:

Drunk driving

As most of you now know, (insert time of arrest, i.e. "last night," "early this morning," etc.) I was pulled over by officers from the (name of city) police department. As a public figure and servant of the people, I take full responsibility for my actions. I plan to check into an alcohol treatment program to confront the effects of the dreaded disease with which I have been afflicted. In taking full responsibility for my actions, I must confess that, years ago, I was sexually assaulted by (insert "clergy," "scout leader," etc.), which caused me to seek relief at the bottom of a bottle, but fortunately that didn't rob me of my ability to accept full responsibility for this incident (if election year, replace "incident" with "cry for help").

Being afflicted with Crohn's colitis (or chronic fatigue syndrome, shingles, painful rectal hematoma, etc.), which was misdiagnosed by a doctor at the (name of out-of-the-way hospital in an area making it difficult for the press to substantiate the claim), made it necessary to seek relief from the physical agony in the form of (name of favorite drink - For men, if the answer is "Cosmopolitan," use "Vodka martinis" instead).

It's been a pleasure to serve my constituency in (insert district), not unlike the homeless people I serve turkey and potatoes to on Thanksgiving Day at the (name of nearby shelter), even in the throes of chronic migraines (or diverticulitis, acid reflux disease, etc.). Thank you for your continued support, and God bless you (if in liberal district, delete the God part - if delivering to the Hollywood left, replace "God" with "L. Ron Hubbard").

**********

Yes, that's right, and with The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator, you get 198 more press releases, all fully customizable! Here's just a sampling of accusations you'll be fully prepared to confront:

Intern groping

Punched airport security

Instant messages to pages

The "Kennedy trifecta" (drunk driving, rape, public nudity)

Bribes

Airport Restroom Foot Tap

Kickbacks

Gay prostitution ring

3 a.m. voicemail

Who's that woman in my car?

Adultery

"But I'm not gay!"

Felon fundraisers

Highway rest area surprise

Crack smoking

Bestiality

Prescription medication addiction

The "N" word

Botched suicide attempt

Bathhouse bust

Free event tickets

Previous KKK affiliation

Current KKK affiliation

How'd that cash get in my freezer?

"Fact-finding mission" to Fiji

Peepshow

High treason

Low treason

Larry Flynt revelations

"She sure looked 18!"

Mysterious staffer disappearance

Bullwhip fetish

Restaurant threesome

And many, many more!

The Besieged Politician Blame Deflecting Press Release Creator. Never be caught unprepared again. To order yours today, call 555-RESPONSIBLE or log on at www.SaveMyPoliticalLife.web.

How much is your career worth to you?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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