Written by The Macster
Print this

Thursday, 1 November 2007

image for Somebody Somewhere to Blame for Everything
He's falling off a mountain - but who's at fault?

Scientists have at last proven that whenever anything happens, that someone, somewhere is ultimately to blame. Proving once and for all that there is no such thing as personal responsibility.

"This is indeed good news for everybody," exclaimed chief research boffin, Toby Tinytestes. "We as individuals no longer have to worry about global warming, famine, drought or war because it it is ultimately someone else's fault."

The revelations revealed in Tinytestes research are the culmination of thirty years of intensive study that covered the notorious 'Where there's blame, there's a claim' period of the eary 'noughties' that ended with the closure of the increasingly dodgy Accident Group.

The corporate ambulance chaser was a a victim of its own success in aggressively seeking potential claimants. Sales staff would be set targets for the number of cases they could gather for the company and would stop passers-by in the street and ask them if they had any injuries for which they wished to claim. If they answered no, the sales staff would push them over a colleague who had already positioned themselves behind the passer-by and was pretending to tie their shoelaces. This would result in a successful 'conversion' for the sales staff but ultimately as the claim was against the Accident Group, the conversions were more of a liability to the company. The end result being the 'UR FRD :)' text message sent to all staff when the company closed for business.

Elaborating further on the results of his research, Professor Tinytestes explained how the 'someone else to blame' formula was calculated.

L = P / E


Where L=liability, P=Person, E=Event and U=You.

The researchers explained how the formula could be used to establish how an individual is never to blame for anything bad that happens. They have already applied it to a number of recent events and calculated that The Labour Government is to blame for the recent flooding in Tewkesbury, Jean Charles de Menezes is responsible for his own death as he looked too Asian and Mr Norman Noknob who shredded his penis while seeking to sexually satisfy himself using a handheld vacuum can blame the Handheld vacuum company for not warning him that he shouldn't place his genitals into their handheld vacuum device.

"Interestingly enough," continued Professor Tinytestes "If we apply the same formula U to someone uncovered as being to blame for one incident - the L - it gives another result which may mean that almost everything that has ever happened could well be down to just one person. Perhaps it would be better if this one person could be found and then either flogged or summarily executed like a global whipping boy, then the world may be a better place."

This writer, the Macster, is slightly worried.

Make The Macster's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 3 multiplied by 3?

5 23 17 9
32 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more