Makers of the S.A.T., the P.S.A.T., and the A.C.T. test announced today that they are dumbing down their tests due to falling scores. Officials at the National Center for Educational Studies, a watchdog group, blame this decline on "the emergence of other priorities into the life of the average high school student."
Spokesman Robert Eraser said that "students today all know the meaning of LOL or other text message abreviations, but none can tell you what NASA or UNICEF stands for. They also know how to download ring tones, program a VCR, surf the web, and use an ipod. None of the students we tested, however, were able to use a card catalogue, look up a word in the dictionary, figure a square root, or diagram a sentence."
"Since the mentality has changed, the test must also change to reflect that."
When this reporter pointed out that anyone over the age of 19 could also pass the new test with flying colors, Eraser said that "of course they can. We expect everyone to succeed. It is wrong to let a child fail or feel that they are a failure. Students taking the new test will be given three tries and can use their cell phones to call friends or parents for clarification, help, or answers. We will also allow them to wander in and out of the room at will."
The new test has also been reduced from the previous "six hour Saturday morning 500+ question" trial to a fifty question, finish any time before May
"positive and rewarding experience."
Some of the questions from the new test are listed below:
1. President George W. Bush is a ______wit.
d. all of the above
e. The President has not wits about him
2. Which of the following groups of numbers most closely resembles a line of telephone poles:
3. The first President of the United States is/was:
a. The old guy on the one dollar bill.
c. Not in my graduating class.
d. All of the above.
4. How many cans of beer are in a six-pack?
5. Which of the following quotes will members of your graduating class most likely be saying this summer:
a. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
b. "I have not yet begun to fight."
c. "War is hell."
d. "You want fries with that?"
6. Bart is to Simpson as Homer is to _________.
a. The left field bleachers.
b. The right field bleachers.
c. The Iliad and The Odyssey
7. Which number comes next in the sequence 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8_____?
b. Star Wars
c. Bill Clinton
8. The sentence "Elephants, Zebras, and other animals reside on the African Savanna and have a very complex social order between them" is a:
a. Start of some pretty boring article.
b. Something a student might plagarize into a class report.
c. Bunch of words containing nouns, verbs, punctuation, capitalization, and other parts of speech.
d. All of the above.
9. Lindsey Lohan is ________?
b. an actress
c. on a poster on my bedroom wall
d. The object of my fantasies.
e. All of the above.
10. Complete the following saying: "Children should be seen and not _______."
b. Put into the washing machine when they get dirty.
c. Can we talk more about Lindsey, because I still think she's hot!